It is entirely without pause that I approach this subject. Almost with casual ease, as if I were discussing with you the weather, or the most recent political blunder. So common is this subject that I find myself discussing it casually with men, only to note their discomfort or outright irritation with the subject matter. As if they feel I'm pulling their leg, or even accusing them of something. Well... it turns out I am accusing them of something. The bystander effect.
You see, it is entirely too common for someone to see something, like street harassment, sexual harassment, domestic abuse or casual sexual assault and say, well... absolutely nothing. The co-workers who saw your boss pinch your butt, the man who watches as their friend yells crude and inappropriate things to women on the street. The locker room talk...
All of this going seemingly unnoticed by the bystanders, who rationalize it to themselves in any way applicable so as to lessen the urge to take action. To avoid confrontation. Boys will be boys.
The bystander effect isn't actually what you think it is. Most people hear of this and think of the the murder of Kitty Genovese (CW:Rape:Murder), however, that popularly spread story turned out to be a lie. It wasn't 32 bystanders, it was more like 2, and one of them did call the police, who arrived too late. While that would be another good example of the bystander effect, if it were true, the actual story is an example.
Despite our predisposition in media to verify a story, no one even tried. Everyone else believed it, so it was ok, right?
The bystander effect is largely about conformity. This is the reason why if your best buddy makes a rape joke, you'll most likely laugh along with it. In example.
Group of guys were behind me as I went into my building & 1 said "better go inside if u dont wanna get raped". Dont have a joke, just tired
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 12, 2017
His friends did hit him on the shoulder but they snickered as they did it so the admonishment seemed more "not loud enough for her to hear!"
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 12, 2017
I wish I could tell you I shut them down by saying something witty & devastating but I just turned around & kept my head down & hurried away
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 12, 2017
This to say: even the loudest, brashest, most take-no-bullshit women you know can be rendered momentarily speechless by casual harassment
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 12, 2017
If you are a man & you hear anything like this, ESPECIALLY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS W ONLY OTHER MEN AROUND, the onus is on YOU to stop it
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 12, 2017
You might think you would do something differently, and I hope you do. However, most usually don't. When we talk about rape culture, we talk about this bystander effect. When we talk to you about rape culture, we're asking you only to understand that whether you like it or not, one day you will be compelled to let something significant, like this, slide.
We're asking you to be confrontational. To not be that buddy who punches their friend on the shoulder, laughing, after he threatened a woman with rape. To not laugh at the leaked sex tapes, the memes about celebrities who are victims of domestic abuse, the cat calls, the sexual assault, however benign it may seem.
It's not benign. No matter how much you want to believe it is, it's not.
So say something, don't be a part of rape culture, don't walk by and let it happen.
And especially, don't think it isn't your problem, because you may be the only person there who can put a stop to it.
Some will be compelled to respond with "This is an outlier, this kind of stuff never happens." well I have a tinder account full of rape threats, dick picks, and sexual harassment and you might be on it. Don't be that guy.
