Social media has negatively affected me and I feel like I can’t stop it. We live with social media encroaching on our daily life. It is everywhere and I hate it. If I want to give up social media, there soon is a reason to need it again. Whether it is to get a coupon or a job—it has become a necessary evil.

It is far too transparent. I feel like I don’t have privacy—which I covet and treasure. Not because I have anything to hide, but because I find it important—for self-reflection, for independence or for wellness of mind. But, ever since I have graduated, I haven’t been up to anything. I’ve tried to get busy, stay busy—with jobs (which aren’t hiring) or with working out (which is something very hard to find motivation for) or with going out on the town, buying silly things (which I don’t have the money for.) So I find myself occupying my empty time with social media, namely Facebook. And I am so aggravated with myself for it. Why? Because I know that I am better than scrolling for hours straight.

But, moreover, it’s the fact that I feel lonely. I don’t live in NOLA, where a lot of my friend base is. Also, I have had a couple of really good friendships crumble this summer due to distance and schedules. I live in a town that I didn’t go to high school in, so I don’t have relations with people that are my age in my area. The list goes on. There is one reason after another that I feel lonely.

Having a phone, in many ways, makes it worse. I live my days waiting to hear back from friends, waiting to talk to people, waiting on responses. And… nothing. It doesn’t help my loneliness; it actually makes it worse.

I know I am not the only one. I know that there are others that are waiting by their phone, waiting for a friend to talk to them. I know that there is someone else feeling lonely. And I don’t know if it is supposed to help, but it doesn’t.

For those of you reading this that know me, I am desperate—actually desperate—for you to talk to me. To contact me. To see how I am doing. Because I am tired of reaching out and getting nothing in response.

Social media and my phone are not conducive to my mental health and I am aware of it. I frequently want to shut down and turn off all my accounts and any contact with the world around me, but it seems like I can’t. I have been applying to jobs, which means I have to have my phone on to receive phone calls. I have contacts that I can only get ahold of through Facebook, and shutting my Facebook down means I can’t talk to them. There is always an excuse, it seems. But, there is a part of my mind that tells me that if I shut these things down, I will miss the opportunity to talk to people.

My heart is geared towards others. Talking to them, helping them and listening to them… but I can’t do any of that if I have no one around me to talk to or help or listen to. When I am deprived of social interactions, I hit a very dark place. A very lonely place. Maybe I need to learn how to cope with not being around people or talking to them. Maybe I need to go out of my way more to find people to talk to. I don’t know. But something has to change.