You know there are far worse things in the world but sometimes this is the biggest one in your world. Waking up in the morning and just dreading the idea of making small-talk with someone. Having to force yourself to be the brave one in an awkward interaction is especially hard because you feel like all eyes are on you. Not being able to come out of your own bedroom simply because your friends are out in the living room. Feeling FOMO when you say no to going out because you fear something that may not even happen. Then fearing that your friends may not even like you because you've been distant.
My name is Roberta and I have social anxiety.
Although I shouldn't, I let my anxiety define who I am as a person. It stops me from going out on Friday nights, it stops me from leaving my bedroom, and it stops me from living my life. Most days I feel like I have to have some liquid courage to be able to talk to people. And sometimes that is simply not enough. So I shut myself out from the world. Sometimes when I am walking to class, I feel like people are staring as I'm staring at them. In reality, they're not staring at me. I know it.
For the longest time, I just thought that I was simply different. Everyone around me had friends and I had a hard time making simple small talk. So I put myself in a book and read until I forgot the real world existed.
Most of the time I do understand how dumb I sound but the fear is still there, and I don't think it will ever go away. Don't come to me telling me that all I have to do is go out and start a conversation. That is not how you get over anxiety. I don't actually know how to get over it, maybe I never will.
I have found ways of coping with it. I found that going to secluded places gives me a peace of mind. I love nature. I love sitting somewhere remote and feeling the world move around me. It makes me feel like as if I am the only person on earth. Maybe it's the introvert in me but being alone is better than being with people.
But yeah, I'm not sure what I just wrote about but hopefully, someone reads this and feels like they are not the only one.
