Hello, my name is Drew Hill, and I have crippling social anxiety.

I am aware that there are many people who do not believe that social anxiety exists, however, I am here to tell you that it is 100 percent real. If the situations discussed here seem similar to your experiences, then there is a chance that you have social anxiety as well. However, I am not a registered physician, so I am not licensed to diagnose others. Some people see social anxiety as an excuse, but if you identify with any of these experiences or feelings, do not let anyone tell you that your condition is fake. I can personally attest to how difficult social anxiety can make your life.

Just today, my friends went to IHOP and I was invited. My first thought was, "Yes, I do love pancakes... but people? Not so much." Then I thought, "Hmm, if my boyfriend doesn't go, then I don't have to," and since he was sleeping, I thought I had gotten out of it. But of course, he got up just in time. So, I just went home and explained nothing to anyone as to why I was not in attendance.

Some of my friends from class went to a pool party that my teacher was having to celebrate not only the end of school but the end having us for two years. I did actually go to that but I was about an hour late because I tried my hardest to talk myself out of it. I was also way too proud of myself for simply leaving my house. I didn't even actually go swimming, might I add. I congratulated myself for that as well, like I had won the lottery when in reality all I had done was sit poolside for an hour.

Again, to some of you, this sounds frivolous and like something I’m making up, but I promise that this is 100 percent real. I am actually afraid of human interaction with one person and in small groups. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Ironically, I do not have a problem with public speaking because often I do not know the people I am speaking to and I have had time to prepare for those situations. I often find difficulty making friends and maintaining friendships as well. While it is in my nature to be cautious, I am not genuinely afraid of many things.

Whenever I have been invited to go somewhere, it is quite the ordeal. I try to talk myself out of getting out of bed and showering. Then I have to consider whether there will be music or not. If there is, I can generally make it through, but if not, that means I will actually have to verbally interact with people, and I try to avoid that at all costs. Then I have to make sure that I look decent because at the very least if I'm going to go somewhere and not say anything I could look nice. So after going through that internal war, I have to ultimately decide whether I want to go out or not. That is usually about the time where I get extremely nauseous, nauseous to the point of wanting to vomit. So, then, I usually decide against going because why would I want to feel like I'm going to vomit if I'm supposed to be having fun? I also have to decide how much I really want to be there and how much I will actually enjoy what we’re supposed to be doing. I'm generally awkward and I don't actively participate in conversations, so I figure, what will it matter whether I come or not?

According to some people, they actually do care whether I come or not, but to me, it sounds like bullsh*t.

If, for some odd reason, I do decide to go out, I can only take so much, and once I get home, I feel like my body has been beaten relentlessly with 75 composite softball bats. But usually, when I decide not to go, I feel OK at first. I might go on Tumblr or Twitter, but after a while, I feel bad because I feel like my friends think that I hate them. I obviously do not, I just doubt that they understand how much actually goes into me coming out of my house. I actually have to mentally and physically prepare myself for it and I usually need more than one day to do so. However, I doubt that they would understand if I tried to explain it to them.

It sucks thinking that every time I leave my house I'm going to make a fool of myself because I don't have the social skills to be normal and actually have a conversation. At the same time, however, it sucks to have to be that one asshole who doesn't have the courtesy to show up to anything when they have been invited. Then I have the audacity to be offended when I don't get invited to things.

I wish I had the privilege of being afraid of something rational like heights or spiders. Instead, I get to be afraid of having conversations with people I don't even hate. I never know what to say or when to say it. I doubt that anyone listens to me anyway, so I get swallowed up in small group conversations. I just don't know how to contribute properly and I feel out of place. So I think to myself, why leave my house only to feel uncomfortable? I could've stayed home and done that. Hence, I hardly ever leave my house.

Please, for the love of God, never ostracize a person with social anxiety. Never make them feel bad for not coming to things because I guarantee you that they do enough of that in their own head. Do not try to convince them that their fear is unreal, because to them, it is real and extremely frightening. Try your best to make them feel calm and at ease. Make them see that people do care and are sympathetic to their situation. Lastly, if you do somehow get a person with social anxiety to leave their house and hang out with you, listen when they speak and never, ever talk over them. If you make them feel unwanted or insignificant then you are proving them right and they may never come outside again, or at least, not with you.

I hope you can see how social anxiety can cause problems in the life of a person. It's not necessarily that we do not want to go out, it’s mostly that we cannot force ourselves to. I hope reading this gives someone the strength to conquer their social fears. As for me, it will take some time.