What do you do when someone posts your relationship status with them before you’re ready? How do you know when you are ready?

Recently the person I’ve been seeing decided to change our relationship status on Facebook to “in a relationship.” I wasn’t notified by them beforehand, but rather I was told while on a call with my best friend. I remember the reactions that engulfed me when I heard her say those words, and later when I saw the post myself: a combination of anger, deep sadness, excitement and fear that left me feeling helpless. The question was why? At the time, I didn’t really have an answer and therefore I didn’t really have a response — other than to act surprised and reluctantly confirm what had been posted days later. Now, this all sounds like I’m probably not very invested in my relationship, but this is far from the case.

My “date-mate” (which is a super cute, non-gender-specific term for the person you’re seeing or dating that’s less serious than “partner” and has less connotation than “lover,” and you should totally use it if you like!) and I have been exclusively seeing one another for a while. We have been friends even longer than that, having had movie nights, a few dates and some sleep-overs — so it didn’t make sense to me that I’d have such a strong reaction to this simple choice to add our status to social media. I tried to put myself at ease with the reassurance that only people who were close to me and already knew about us would see the status, but that didn’t help. So what would?

It all boiled down to superstition. No, not the black cats and broken mirror type but a fear that I think we all share. When you make your relationship official on any social media site, you’re putting yourself out there to the world in an honest way (sort of like what I’m doing now...). You’re leaving yourself more vulnerable than the relationship itself has already made you. You begin to worry how many people will ask you about what happened if or when it ends, and what you’ll say, knowing that you yourself aren't even sure about the details yet because it hasn't happened. You question if you’ll want to or be able to stay in touch with their friends — who are now your friends too — even if they are tethered to them. You see the whole thing painfully flash by in your head from cute beginning to the fabricated, over-dramatic ending you’ve created for yourself scene by scene.

See, if you’re anything like me then you’re either hopelessly romantic or hopelessly paranoid, and realistically, you’re probably both. I’m the kind of person that will wake up in the middle of the night to see you laying next to me — and accidentally wake you up because I’m hugging you so tightly — but be excited about it just because I want to tell you how beautiful you are when you sleep and how happy I am.

Coincidentally, I’m also the kind of person that will passive aggressively speak to you for an hour straight and maybe chuck a stuffed animal at your head (if it’s a rough night) for virtually no reason. On any given day, you have probably about a 50/50 chance of getting either side of me and if you ask my date-mate to confirm this, I promise they will, with (adorable) wide eyes that have seen too much of my unruly behavior for their virtuous soul to handle.

This is the problem, at least in my mind. I am a mess of contradictions and confusions that even I don’t understand. I recognize the importance of loving yourself before you can love others, but that request can sometimes seem so daunting when you’re not even sure who you are. I can get so down on myself at times, becoming overly occupied with anxieties that are too far into the future for even psychics to have on their radar and when I do, I am the problem in my mind.

But I am not the problem in my partner’s mind, and you probably aren't either.

When I’m at my wits end and I can’t possibly bear to put one more word on the page of an essay, or I’m sobbing uncontrollably because of stress, or I am feeling not good enough; the person I’m lucky enough to say I’m dating is there to rub my back, bring me cookies and offer words of support. I swear that for every negative thing I can see about myself sometimes, they have given me two positive ones. This is what a healthy relationship looks like and I didn't even know until I was forced to face my reality. Sure, we argue and I get bitter and they get frustrated but we always end up genuinely smiling in each other’s arms by the end of it.

I’m emotional writing this because had you asked me a couple months ago, I likely would have told you that I didn't deserve any of this treatment, but being with my partner I now know that I do and that everyone shouldbe with someone who makes them feel this way (in one way or another).

Having thought all this over I now feel honored to say that I am in a relationship with a wonderful and caring person; I am comfortable announcing this on Facebook, on Odyssey or in person. I know that eventually things may end, and I’m okay with that because I’ve learned a lot in even such a short time and I am delighted to have taken part in this experience. For the time being, though, I’m going to get all I can out of this relationship and remind myself that I deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship, and if it’s anything like what I’ve described, I think that you should kick fear to the curb and make it official! But if you’re in a relationship (or some complicated thing, trust me I know all about it) with someone that doesn't make you feel happy or valued then you need to drop them. You deserve better.

Good luck and remember: