As I enter my 20s, I have come to the realization that breakups are incomparable to any other pain I have encountered thus far in my life. Having a big heart was the devil’s advocate when I tried to remove myself from an unhealthy relationship. I kept getting reeled back in, with guilt, tears and empty promises being the bait, and up until five months ago, I was hooked.
As I dipped my feet into the sea of singleness for the first time since high school, I was convinced that if I went any deeper I would sink to the bottom with a heavy heart so full of anxiety, regret and overwhelming sadness. Yet it was not until I was fully submerged, embracing the situation, that I found out I was not drowning, but swimming.
Like me, you may have recently ended an unhealthy relationship and find yourself insecure, unsure and alone. You may also be asking yourself, now what?
Speaking from experience, your relationship may have left your confidence battered and your sense of self-worth nowhere to be found. If you are reading this, I want to let you know that now is the time to work on you, for you. Being proud of yourself, placing your happiness in your own hands, living in the present, forgiving your ex, dating yourself and surrounding yourself with individuals who see your true worth are your next steps.
First and foremost, I want to commend you for putting yourself first. It was not easy leaving someone who played such an important role in your life, but at some point you looked in the mirror and told yourself enough was enough. You were done being manipulated and decided once and for all, you would not be defined by the names he called you or the lies he told. I promise you, the hardest part is leaving and not looking back. There will be times when you will think about the arguments and will try to justify words exchanged. You may have blamed yourself in an effort to try and downplay his anger and wanted to stay because he held your own mistakes against you. You may think about the good times in an effort to forget about the nights you spent screaming at each other in the driveway. You may start to question your decision to leave, but please, never confuse mistreatment for love. You made the right decision; you are worthy of far greater things.
After a break up, we are left with this feeling of loneliness, as the person you once confided in has now been removed from your life. When we are faced with this new, uncomfortable feeling, we often try to fill the void with other men. Let me stop you in your tracks, sister. In order to give love freely, I believe you must love and accept yourself first. If you are unhappy with who you are as a person, you will be equally unaccepting of another’s flaws. In order to move on, you do not need to begin a relationship with another man. Do not fill the emptiness with another’s love. Stay off the market not because you fell in love with someone new, but because you fell in love with yourself.
In order to grow, you cannot spend your time thinking about what could have, should have, and would have been. You cannot change anything that has already occurred, but instead, you can change your future actions. When our minds start to wander, especially around bedtime, our thoughts shift to the past because it is what we know and what we are comfortable with. You may not have control over your first thought, but you can control every thought thereafter. A great friend once told me that if you find yourself thinking about the past, you are being lazy. Your relationship was all you knew for the longest time and now that is has passed, it is time to challenge yourself and dream big. Shift your thoughts from the past to the greater things that are yet to come.
Do not spend your time checking in on what he is up to or who he is seeing. It is inevitable that your ex will move on, just like you eventually will too, and that is okay. Send your best wishes and move forward on your own journey. Do not exert any negative feelings as that will just add fuel to the fire. Everyone makes mistakes and it is easier to forgive than it is to hold grudges. As the saying goes, it takes two to argue. Learn to forgive your ex, even if he never extends an apology, and learn to forgive yourself for the role you also had in the unhealthy relationship.
When you are in an unhealthy relationship, you often have to compromise for your partner’s sake. If they do not like going out dancing, chances are, they will not want you to go out dancing. It is hard to be an individual when your likes and dislikes were being altered based on your ex’s preferences. Being single is like falling in love all over again, but with yourself. Take yourself shopping because you earned extra tips at work, reconnect with your faith, sign up for the half marathon you have been wanting to run since seventh grade, blare Ed Sheeran with the windows down, make that three-hour drive upstate to see your girlfriend from college on a Tuesday, buy the damn concert tickets, make a fool of yourself on the dance floor, and love every minute of it.
Unfortunately, if you were blinded by your relationship, you may have put your friends and family on the back burner. Many of us have been there ourselves, unintentionally putting our significant other first, and a true friend will love you, flaws and all. Take the time to reconnect or create new friendships with genuine, uplifting, and kindhearted people. I promise you they will make all of the difference. Whether they attentively listen to you analyze every detail about the breakup over Steak n’ Shake at 1 a.m., take you to your favorite club and dance the night away to “Since U Been Gone,” or simply give you words of assurance and that hug that only a best friend can give, spend time with people who know you deserve better, because of how truly wonderful and worthy you are.
Over the course of the past five months, I have grown into a woman I would not have recognized 365 days ago. Leaving a relationship that was no longer healthy and embarking on this journey has led me to so many beautiful places and has shaped me into a woman I am proud of for the first time in my 20 years of life. I am no longer weighed down by the crippling anxiety that use to own me. I look in the mirror and see beauty, not flaws. I have learned so much about self-forgiveness and moving forward. I no longer want to disappear, but live.
I am genuinely happy, and I know you will be too. So, what’s your next move?
