You would think that I'd be having the time of my life right now. It's my last first week of school and I should be on top of the world being a senior and all. I should be breezing through my classes and able to balance it with work and chores like it's the easiest thing ever. I should have Instagrams with my apartment-mates or tweets with #senioryear in them and tons of smiley faces. But if I've learned anything this week, it's that what should happen and what does are two very different things.

What actually happened was that I was sad pretty much all week long. Granted, not every second of the day, but I was pretty "blah" for the most part. I guess I should have known my week wasn't going to go well when I almost had a meltdown in the middle of an isle and we left a bag of groceries at the store on Sunday. But, I continued to think that Monday was going to be super. While there's nothing wrong with thinking positive, there was certainly something wrong with me not handling my stress right then and there. Rather than talk to the people that needed to be talked to, I called my mom and complained to her. Monday was filled with anxiety about getting to class on time but also looking effortless while doing so. If that meant getting up early to dress up or put makeup on, then you bet I did just that.

Almost a metaphor for this situation would be what happened to my makeup throughout the day. It started out seemingly perfect (or perfect in my mind anyway). But, as the day slowly progressed, it diminished its wear thanks to things that got in the way (thanks, oil). When I returned to my apartment and caught a glimpse of my reflection, I noticed that while my eye makeup hadn't moved a bunch, the rest of my makeup sure had. My lipstick kept getting rubbed off every time I wanted to drink my water, so I ended up with a line faded around my mouth. But instead of deciding to forgo it, I reapplied it meticulously after each sip.

My week continued on, and with each day came a new stress: feeling uncomfortable about class, getting annoyed by things that were out of my control and not being able to stay on top of things that are normally not a big deal. All of these things made me wish I could honestly go home right then and there. I somehow made it to Friday, but much like my makeup, I was very worn down. I couldn't wait to go home to spend the weekend with my mom and sister.

I guess my point is this: senior year may not be how I thought so far -- but while I can't change what's already happened, I can change how I do things in the future. I'll buy more food on my own, I'll be more familiar with my class schedule and I'll decide if it's really worth it to get all dolled up for class or not. Planning for perfect and still not letting it go when things happen (much like my reapplication of lipstick when I constantly drink water) hasn't been helping me. But neither is forcing myself to do things I'm not ready for (cooking fancy meals every night just because that's what everyone else does). I need to find my own way with things. And I'd like to think that it's okay for me to still get used to being a senior. While I may not have it all figured out right now, I know at least what I like, what I don't and what I have to look forward to.

So when I come back to school on Sunday, I may be sad and miss home, but at least I know what Monday can bring. I'll be more prepared for it, and maybe I just need to believe everyone when they say it'll be okay.