When did we become the “adults” we are today?
Was it the day we graduated high school or maybe the moment we stepped foot into our first “big kid” job? Did we suddenly morph into mature 20 something year-olds the day we moved out, or was it the first time we shopped for groceries on our own?
No matter when we feel like adulthood really hit us, or even when it finally will, one thing is for sure. Being in your twenties is jam-packed with life lessons of success, failure and, overall, self discovery. Yet, in the midst of all of the “adulting” we seem to be thrown into, it may be easy to forget what this season of life is all about. It’s hard for us to understand that even though it feels like we need to be perfect in order to build our future – we don’t have to be. Our future is being shaped by the memories we make with the people we meet who will play a significant role in our growth. What lies ahead is being molded by the different traditions we pick up while traveling and all of the “life hacks” we learn by talking to others about what we’re going through. Our future is being built through our experiences and the lessons we learn from them. It's okay that we may not quite feel like adults yet and that we still don't seem to be sure of almost anything. It's okay that we're still trying to figure this whole crazy independent life out.
So as we’re growing up and learning through our twenties, it’s important to stop every once and a while and check in on ourselves. By asking ourselves a few simple, yet immensely complicated questions we may be able to not only grasp who we are a little better but also in which direction we’re going – and most importantly – if we like the way we’re headed.
1. Are the people I’m surrounding myself with building me up, or dragging me down?
Do you draw positive energy from the people you choose to spend your time with? What are you learning from those of whom you hang around? Most importantly, do the standards your friends set for not only themselves but also for you match the values you’ve set for yourself? It’s vital for us at this age to have friends that keep us in check and continuously aid us in our growth toward the direction we’re seeking.
2. Am I excited about what I’m studying whether it be a trade, major, or new job?
It’s important for me to clearly state what I mean by excited. I do not mean excitement such as an English major waking up filled with glee about writing an essay over Shakespeare. Trust me, as an English major I know that’s not always the case. By excitement I mean: Are you looking forward to what you gain in the future from it? Do you picture yourself using your newfound knowledge for the betterment of your upcoming lifestyle? Are you looking forward to the day you finish your schooling or training and get to put it to use toward a life long career? For example, while most students may not enjoy daily classes – they should be filled with excitement of the day they step into their field and begin to make a living by applying the knowledge obtained through all of their hard work.
If you don’t feel this way, it may be time to step back and consider change.
3. Am I looking for love based off of my insecurities or off of my strengths?
Whether romantic or platonic it’s important to know what we’re basing our love off of. A love based on insecurities will always revolve around questions such as, “What can this person do for me?” or “How will this person fix what I can’t fix myself?” A love based off of personal strengths will come with questions such as, “What can we accomplish together?” or “What can I do to help my loved one?” Loving from our strengths means being happy for others’ accomplishments instead of scared that they will surpass us. Loving from our strengths leads to relationships that are built on solid foundations instead of foundations barely held together by crumbling insecurities.
4. Would I want to date me?
Let’s face it. We’re at the age when finding someone to spend the rest of our lives with is getting higher on our list of priorities. We cannot expect someone to commit to us if when we examine ourselves we find flaws even we would consider unfavorable. This is not to say you should feel the need to be perfect in order to earn love. Nobody is flawless, and finding someone to spend your life with encompasses finding somebody who loves you--flaws and all. Unfortunately, many go into relationships expecting the other person not to simply accept their flaws, but to fix their insecurities and make these flaws disappear. Inevitably, relationships show us not only how bad our known flaws may be, but also make us aware of new flaws we don’t even realize we possess. With this being said it is important for us to understand which of our flaws are selfish based. In other words, what flaws can I work on improving personally?
5. What are my strengths and what am I not so good at? Which ones am I putting my time into?
At this point in our lives most of us know what our strengths are. We now need to be sure we’re investing our time in them. While we should never stop wanting to learn more and do more, there comes a time when we need to focus on what we are talented at and how we can use our gifts to open opportunities in our future. We need to utilize our strong suits as a base to expand off of. By putting what we are comfortable and confident in doing at the base of whatever we’re trying to build – we give ourselves a head start. We are each blessed with certain gifts for a reason, and once we’ve recognized them – it’s important we put them to use!
6. What is holding me back?
It is impossible for us to move forward and grow if we cannot admit what is holding us back and face it head on. Whether it’s staying caught up on past mistakes, a form of anxiety or depression, or simply being scared of making choices that you feel will shape your life forever - the first step in beating these fears is understanding what they are. While these thoughts may never go away, with time, grasping what they are and knowing how they’re holding us back can help us overcome them.
7. Are there things from my past that I need to let go of? Are there people I need to forgive?
We all fall victim to things that have hurt us in our past. Often these situations revolve around relationships with people. It’s human nature to be disappointed by the ones you put your time into. It’s an inevitable part of trying to find the people you belong with. Part of the process of growing up is moving on. Whether the person you’re bitter with meant to hurt you or not, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that you did at one point, gain something from them. People come and go with seasons of life. You learn from the relationship you shared with them, and accept that things change and roles people played in your life are simply filled by others. The honest truth is: Disappointment wouldn’t hurt if it was being delivered by somebody you didn’t care about. Until you realize that holding a grudge isn’t helping you, it will continue to hold you hostage. It is important to take a step back and understand that as much as losing that person may have hurt, things just weren’t meant to work in whatever way you were hoping. Freedom from this burden comes when you are able to simply be thankful for the lessons you learned, and honestly wish the best for the person who taught you them.
8. What are my negotiables and non-negotiables?
What are you willing to do to aid in your growth? Are you willing to move away from home for your work? What kind of hours are you willing to take to obtain a job? When the day comes, what are your must haves in a relationship? How would you feel about a different church with your spouse or a different way of living? Know what you absolutely cannot part with when the time comes, and what you’re willing to change for your future. Knowing what your limits are will make it easier to make decisions as they come along.
9. What is my story?
Knowing your story equals knowing yourself. Knowing yourself means knowing your worth. Knowing your worth means you know what all you’ve overcome and how that has enabled great progress. By knowing what you’ve accomplished you can only begin to imagine what all you can accomplish in the future!
10. What are my goals?
Just as any advice giver would say: Make goals for yourself. Where do you hope to be by the end of your twenties? Whether these goals be based around your career, family, hobbies or anything else of importance to you the main thing is that they’re your goals. Nobody should be able to tell you they’re not relevant or they need work. A goal you set for yourself needs no explanation other than the simple fact that it’s something you hope to accomplish in order to better yourself. Take time to think about what is important to you in terms of accomplishments and write them down. You’d be surprised how fast you’ll come to the point of reading them and smiling a little because at one time you thought they may be impossible, yet now you’re on to bigger and better things.
So you’re 20ish. Don’t panic. Whether you’ve recently made the move out of the teens or you’re a little closer to your 30s than others – these questions are for you. Don’t forget to use your twenties to find yourself and who you are. Most importantly don’t forget that we are all a work in progress and as long as you understand what direction you’re going in and stay on your own path you’ll be okay!
