I have been mastering the craft for years. While I have been keeping my tricks of trade secretive, today I have decided to share them with the world. Is there really any point in keeping things a secret if they will benefit the greater good of others? No of course not, that question was so obvious it was borderland rhetorical. You may be wondering what sliver of knowledge I am about to ball up and cram into your frontal lobe. What life changing secret I am about to unlock and release into the world in all of its mighty. Well here it is… my instructions on how to properly smoke weed.

Step 1:

You can’t do anything prior to gathering the supplies which is what the first two steps will entail. First you’re going to have to gather your weeds. Remember if you live in a humid continental climate like I, weeds will only be available from late April until early October so plan accordingly. Quality weeds can be found from the deepest depths of the forest to the sidewalks of depressed neighborhoods, and everywhere in-between. Trust me, it is really easy to find weeds. I would suggest larger species of weeds such as evening primrose or catchweed bedstraw for a richer bolder flavor. However if you are feeling fancy and are longing for only a thin blanket of flavor, a smaller weed such as white clover is an excellent choice. A full descriptions of flavors, recipes, and cooking strategies will be available in my book “Blazing for Dummies: A New World Guide to Smoking Weed” which will hit stores on April 20. Once you are prepared to gather your weeds, keep in mind timing is everything. I recommend only plucking one day after it rains. The weeds will be full of nutrients, healthy and flavorful. I warn you though, do not pluck during a rain storm for the weeds will be waterlogged, and coated in a microscopic film of mold. Any-who once the stars align and its time to pluck remember to yank the entire weed out (all the nutrients is in the roots you know), and store it in some sort of fabric. I’d recommend cheese cloth, but any fabric will do.

Step 2:

Once you have collected the weeds, it is time to assemble your smoker. I’m not a handy man, so if you are looking for instructions on how to craft a smoker than you are shit out of luck. You could ask someone at The Home Depot, the closer dressed to Bob the Builder the more knowledge they’ll have. However, I’m assuming most of you have a grill or a smoker, and I will proceed to explaining step two. Your source of heat is just as important as your species of weed. Remember weeds are plants mostly made of water, and will absorb the flavors of whatever fuel they are smoked with. Therefore, smoking the weeds with some sort of chemical is not going to be good. In my opinion the only source of fuel you should use to smoke weed is wood. Believe it or not wood is made of plant material just like weeds, and smokes the weeds with a more natural flavor. Like everything else, the type of wood you select is important. Similar to barbecue, hickory is the most popular choice to smoke with. It amities a strong solid flavor, and is a classic. Yet, if you are feeling a bit adventurous I suggest spruce, or willow. The wood of both trees contains an interesting flavor when smoked, and can give your weed the extra umphf. It doesn’t matter were you acquire your wood, while it will be fresher if you hack a tree down yourself, store-bought wood is just fine.

Step 3:

Once your weeds and source of fuel are good to go, it’s time to make the rub. In my opinion this is the least important step. Everyone’s taste is different, and honestly you do not need a rub for most weeds taste perfectly fine on their own. However, if you really want my suggestion I would recommend keeping the rub light and flavorful. Here is a brief description on how to make one of my favorite rubs which works especially well on dandelion. Mix lemon juice with lime juice for a powerful citrus punch, then add chopped basil leaves, some vinaigrette, and a pinch of salt. As you can see this rub is fairly simple yet potent. Be creative with the rub, have fun and experiment. Once your rub is finished, give each of your weeds a brief bath in it. Don’t oversaturate the weeds, for the rub will mask the weeds natural flavor, and who wants that. Once you weeds are rubbed in rub, it is finally time to get smoking.

Step 4:

First, your going to want to preheat the smoker. While this isn’t super important the weeds come out with a slightly better flavor for some unknown reason which can only be answered by scientist. Light your fuel, and heat the smoker for several minutes. Keep in mind, most weeds cook at a rate similar to bell peppers, so your going to want to keep the oven at a low heat. In all honesty if you already own a smoker you probably know how to cook. Just let the weeds roast for a couple minutes, flip them over, and there you go its cooking 101.

Step 5:

Finally, your weeds are smoked and the product of your not so hard work lays before your eyes. Take the weeds out of the smoker using tongs. Caution, smokers are hot, and can burn the bare hands. One your weeds are grasped between the smoker place them on a plate, let them cool for a second, and enjoy. Weeds are full of vitamins, nutrients, and are equivalent to a serving of vegetables. I hope my article helped you with your future endeavors into the art of smoking weed. Remember to keep your eye out for my book, and for more recipes, tips, and tricks contact me at 401-123-4567.