Have you ever made a mistake so stupid, that you can’t even believe you did it? Like, it was literally the silliest thing you could’ve possibly done, and you had an opportunity to leave it be, but you pushed anyways? I did that recently, and I’m still regretting it.
Someone told me once, that I go too far sometimes, that I push too hard. He said he loved that when I’m behind something or someone, I’m there 100%, but sometimes I push too hard. He loved that I grew a backbone and I was confident in what I believe in, but sometimes he felt I believed too much, or I was too stubborn about it. He was telling me this as he was ending our marriage.
Sitting here alone on Valentine’s Day, I can’t help but think about what he said, and the mistake I made this last week. I’ve always been stubborn, you see. I’ve always wanted to get my way, even though I’m completely aware that’s not how life works. But, I stand my ground anyways. I feel like sometimes, I stood my ground for the right reasons and it worked out, and sometimes it didn’t. This time, it didn’t. And I’m still beating myself up over it.
Five minutes. I literally wanted five minutes of someone’s time and he didn’t give it to me because he was busy. He was playing a video game with his best friend, which never is a big deal, never should be a big deal, but for some reason, it pissed me off beyond belief. Why couldn’t he give me five minutes? Like, how hard was it to just say, “Hey, let me pause for just a minute, my girl is on the phone.” I would’ve told you what I needed to say, or felt I needed to say in my wine/sleepy state of mind and I would’ve been done, and you could’ve gone back to your game.
But you didn’t answer. And I went ballistic. To this day, I don’t know what overtook my body, because I’ve NEVER been like that before. You literally make me crazy. And because of that, I pushed. I pushed too far, and now you won’t talk to me, like at all. You won’t answer my texts, my phone calls, my Snapchats, nothing. And now it’s like a piece of me is missing.
I made a mistake. I made a stupid mistake. But, at the same time, I don’t feel like I was completely in the wrong. You could’ve answered and said, “Hey, can I call you back in just a minute?” And I would’ve either said yes, or that I just need a minute and then you can go back to your game.
See, the issue here is, you talked the talk, but you wouldn’t walk it. You told me constantly that you loved me, you loved me so much that it hurt. You were so excited to start a life with me, you were so happy to be starting 2018 with me, you were looking forward to the adventures with me, you were so happy to have this second chance with me. And I tried and tried and tried to be there for you, even though I was drowning. And I wasn’t drowning from what you’d think. I was drowning from the idea that things would be different this time, but they weren’t.
To quote my favorite artist, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me.” I told myself to be careful with you, considering our history. But, I fell, hard. I fell so hard. And everyone around me told me you grew up a lot, you were ready this time. But, look what happened. Instead of just giving me five minutes, you made me push, and now I feel like we’re on opposite ends of the earth. And I honestly don’t know how we’re going to get back to where we were. And that kills me.
So why am I rambling about all this? Because someone needs to put it all on the line. And I’ve never really been a risk taker, but, why not? Cherish your loved ones, people. That’s normally not said unless someone dies, but, that’s basically how I’m feeling. It’s like I’ve lost a piece of my soul and I just want it back. Think before you speak. And, for the love of everything good in this world, just give the person you love five minutes. You never know how much it’ll mean to them
