I want to address the campus issue that I feel we are failing to take seriously: feral slutty cats. Every year around this time, they crawl out of the shadows, yowling, prowling, presumably under the influence of the moonshine, and every year, it seems like there are more than the previous year.
Let’s go back to where it all began. The origin of Felis promiscus is shrouded in myth and mystery, but modern folk historians generally agree that Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, should be credited with creating the original slutty cat; however, after Alexander the Great conquered Egypt in 332 B.C., the species disappears from both oral and written history for over a millennium, making only sporadic and short-lived resurgences before being eradicated by puritanical populations. The origin of the campus population likely stems from the 1970s. Contemporary accounts document a rapidly growing population in New York City’s Greenwich Village, starting in 1973. Presumably, members of this population spread over the years, and by the late 1990s Felis promiscus had established a stable population nearly everywhere in the continental United States.
Recent research suggests that slutty cats do not actually reproduce in the typical mammalian fashion; rather, prolonged exposure to the pheromones of slutty cats seems to have a profound effect on average cats, gradually transforming their balanced hormones into a raging typhoon that would alarm any endocrinologist. In light of this new knowledge, it is imperative that college students be vigilant, especially on campuses that are known to be play host to large populations of feral slutty cats.
Fortunately, between the slutty cops and the slutty animal control officers, there was a decline in the number of incidents involving unwanted encounters with slutty cat this year, but we cannot linger in this false sense of security. Educate yourself about exercising safety precautions when you know there are slutty cats around, and look out for one another, lest you or one of your friends fall victim to the scourge.
