I'm tired. Like all the time. I never have energy. Coffee is just a drink that I now enjoy for my own caffeine pleasure, but it doesn't fuel my body with that energy jump start I need. Energy pills, sure they work for a few hours then it's a crash and burn situation. I am just always tired. I cover the dark circles under with eye creams, foundations you name it, but they are never completely gone. I look at a zombie like me in the morning, not wanting to do anything but sleep.

"you sleep so much." "all you do is nap" "why do you sleep so late" Questions that are always being asked but I never have the right answer to. I didn't sleep last night is all I can say, because anything other than that people just don't understand.

Sleeping with anxiety is not fun. It's not easy. It's not enjoyable. It's not like a bedside lamp, I can't just turn it off when I want, if I want. It stays on and unfortunately never burns out. Trying to get those around me to understand what it's like to not be able to sleep is more exhausting then not sleeping at all. My eyes are closed by my mind is always open. Here is what it's like to sleep with anxiety.

Your exhausted. You can hardly move from being totally drained. You close your eyes. Cozy up under the covers and prepare to sleep, but then it's there. The anxiety. You lay with your eyes closed tossing and turning, tossing and turning. Questions, worries, fears, running through your mind never ending. You worry about conversations you had with your friends. "Did I say something wrong ?" "Was he/she offended at what I said" "Did they not talk to me as much because they really don't like me?" "Do they even like me at all."

You think about past conversations. Conversations that you can never change the outcome of and you dwell on them. "I wish I would have said this instead of this." "What if I wouldn't have said this at all?" "Should I have started the conversation with that?"

You think about the fights you've had. The ones with your parents, siblings, grandparents, significant other. You think of the harsh words that rolled off their lips and straight into your mind. "Did she really mean it?" "Does he really hate me?" "Does he/she really want me gone?" "Does she/he even really love me?"

You think about the future. You think about how all of your goals haven't even been accomplished yet. You compare yourself to everyone else. "How did she get that job ?" "How can they afford that house." "How did he buy a brand new car?" "How did she get her degree already?" "They are living a life I wish I had?"

Then you start to wonder about the things you wanted to do today but didn't. You think about the stuff you did do and should have done differently. Did you lock the front door ? Is the faucet turned all the way off ? What if you didn't turn the dryer on and your clothes are still wet? What if you didn't set your alarm? What if you are late to work? What if you get fired? What time is it ? So you check your phone and you have to be up in ten minutes. You stress. You cry. You hate yourself for allowing your mind to take over. You wake up. You look at yourself in the mirror and can hardly recognize the person you see. You've slept with anxiety again, and it'll happen again tonight.

I have gotten so used to people telling me that i'm lazy that It doesn't even bother me anymore. I hear the comments and I move on with my day. Eventually you learn that trying to explain yourself 24/7 it's worth it and you take whatever you are given. For those who sleep with anxiety, you are not alone. I understand what your sleeping with. I know the exhaustion you feel. The tired you hide in a cup of coffee, or in a five hour energy drink. I sleep with anxiety every night just like you. You are not alone,