I don't like sleep anymore.

I don't like sleep when I do it because my phone isn't buzzing and I feel like I'm aggravating everyone so I shut down for a few hours.

I don't like sleep when I'm sleeping on my own because my bed's kinda big and I can't fill it with enough things.

I don't like sleep when it's third block and I can't keep my eyes open in my classes.

I don't like sleep when it's a filler between one bland day into another bad day.

I don't like sleep when it's only flashbacks.

I don't like sleep because sleep means waking up again and waking up again means having to do the same things again and I just don't wanna.

I don't like sleep because I'm losing time I could be looking up ways to cure mental health and how to make it better and how to not feel so flippin helpless about everyone's problems all the flippin time.

I don't like sleep when it's early and I don't want to but I have to.

I don't like sleep when it doesn't feel real.

I don't like sleep when I feel like crying.

I don't like sleep when there's nobody here to hold on to.

I don't like sleep knowing people are gonna wake up in the middle of the night and not have anything good to wake up to.

I don't like sleep when this text sits open on my phone:

Hey

I think we need to talk about something. I'm really not happy with your choice in boyfriend. He's not changing for you and that actually infuriates me but what infuriates me more that is that you're allowing him to not change. I'm not saying I'm a role model for this but he thinks you'll love him no matter what and I know you think you will but how many more times are you gonna let him do this without consequence? I did that and I got *insert action here* and now I have *insert mental illness here* as a result. And as much as it is a party and a truly excellent conversation starter with crappy therapists, I don't think you should let a burnout do this kind of crap. I'm ticked off you're letting him walk all over you. You're a person not a cashmere carpet.

I can't sleep. I don't like sleep. I won't sleep.