As you all, those who have read my articles, may or may not have noticed, my articles tend to center around a theme of social justice. In particular, I like to address and refute stereotypes or point out the way in which many groups of people are still oppressed today. However, sometimes an article isn't the best way to express the intense and powerful emotions that a victim of our societal flaw's may endure. So, this week, I decided to veer away from the typical article format and write a slam poem about a subject that hits close to home.
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Skinny Love
When I was nine years old I loved food
And because I was just a kid
I never considered the consequences of my love
So maybe my father was right when he told me
If I wanted to be successful in this world
I needed to get skinny
At first I didn't listen
because I didn't understand
Why did I need to change
if I'm happy the way I am?
But the more I didn't listen
The more desperate he got
The talks more serious
The shame piled up
And eventually I understood
Nine years old and already counting calories
like most kids counted sheep
And it was then that something
inside of me started growing
In the empty space
But it was okay
Because my dad would tell me
how proud he was of me
In my family my sister was lucky
She was blessed with natural thinness
and big breasts and long legs
I was a stump compared to her
She ate like a triathlete
But she never got the talks
After softball practices in grade school
My team would go out for pizza
I'd eat one slice and want another
And I'd watch the other girls
The thinner girls
Eat two slices
Or three
It didn't matter
They didn't need to change
And when puberty struck like lightning
Suddenly I was the size my dad
could have only dreamed of
I could eat McDonalds Taco Bell Burger King
Burgerville Panda Express Kentucky Fried Chicken
I could eat cookies and cakes
and chips and chocolate
I could eat that second slice of pizza
One day Jennifer Hudson
appeared on the TV screen
My dad said "She looks so much better
now that's she's lean."
He liked his women like he liked his meat
And as my fitness rose higher my sister's plateaued
She was still beautiful but not bare bones
And an unwelcome stranger returned
He would say
"You won't be successful if you
only look good in sweaters"
And she would cry and wonder why
She was receiving the talks
That had been exclusive to me
And we would bond from the common experience
Of being shamed for loving food
When did a six-pack go from meaning
Beer to an expectation
When did gap go from a clothing store
to an obsession
We are victims of our own creation
We are like Frankenstein's doctor
We wanted beauty and we created monsters
Telling us to not end up the others
The ones that take up two seats
The ones that walk too slow
The ones that smell of grease
They aren't beautiful
They are beasts
And when my sister and I would fight
She would mention the list
My dad's list he kept on the
inside of the kitchen cupboard
An organized way to remember everything
About me that needed fixing
Bad eyes
Speech issues
Crooked teeth
Crooked jaw
Acne like chickenpox
My weight
And when the orthodontist told me
I was barely old enough to get jaw surgery
I had never seen my parents more happy
Everything else on the list
Had been fixed as much as it could
But my jaw? Assumed to be a lost cause
And they told me I was simply getting the
face I was meant to have
They told me they wanted every door to be open for me
They told me this was for the best
So when I woke up on the surgeon's table
The first thing I asked was
"Am I beautiful now?"
For the record, I still remember the moment when I drifted into consciousness, opened my eyes, saw the surgeon, and asked if I was beautiful now. I remember he looked at me with sad eyes, and then said to me,
“You were always beautiful.”
*It's also important to note that struggles with body image have no gender (or lack thereof, for nonbinary individuals), age, race, weight, etc. I wrote this poem based off of my own experiences, but they in no way speak for every person who doesn't like the way they look.
