I find it crazy how one day a person that meant so much to me, that I shared so many memories with, could just be gone. Poof! Like she never existed at all, my Granny for seventeen years of my life, was my rock, my confidante, and most important, she was my best friend. Now, all I have are memories of the time we shared together. It's been two years she left this Earth, and I still have a hard time talking about her without choking up. Now that she's gone, I often find myself filling pages of reasons why I wanted her so badly to be here for and things I have been dying to share with her. Here is a small fraction of that:
1. Granny... school is hard.
I have never in my life been so stressed; Granny, its crazy! I have deadline upon deadline, studying to take the Praxis and VCLA for Teacher Prep, the list goes on and on. I have all A's though, which feels really good seeing as this time last semester I was crying my eyes out over a math class. I ask Mom and Kayla for advice; it helps, but some days hearing your voice would make things ten times easier to handle. When I find myself getting too overwhelmed, I take a deep breath and think to myself what you would do. It keeps me going, and helps me feel like you're still here.
2. Granny...I met a boy.
As you know, from the numerous times I've written to you about him, this boy has managed to have me fall in love, scream at the sky, and question things. I wouldn't trade any experiences I shared with him, we lost contact for a few months after breaking up in February, but now he's back in my life, and I'm back in his. Not a lot of people are ecstatic about it, and I know you'd be one of the people to lecture me on being safe and careful, but then smile and tell me to go have fun. If you were here, I think you'd approve (after meeting him and him totally turning on his charm).
3. Granny...I feel alone sometimes.
I know I shouldn't feel this way when I'm at my dream school, surrounded by people, have great roommates, and great friends. Sometimes though, I have this sense of loneliness that creeps in. I've left my little bubble that was Dinwiddie, stepping out into a different world. It's terrifying, and wonderful all at the same time, although that makes for a stomach ache when I think too hard on it. The feeling of loneliness that comes in is on days when I'm stressed, overwhelmed, and tired. I miss home, I miss Kayla, I miss Harry dog, and I miss being somewhere I've known my whole life. I know you'd look at me, shake your head, and tell me, "It'll be all right honey, just give it time, you'll adjust to it".
4. Granny...I wish you could have seen me graduate.
You died two months before my high school graduation and I'll never forget the feeling of Mom coming and getting me out of third period to take me home. I walked into the main office, she took one look at me, and all she said was, "it's your Granny." I don't remember breaking down in the office, I held it together enough until we made it home. Seeing Daddy cry over losing you, that's what made me lose it, I tried so hard to keep it in. I told myself I had to be the strong one out of the two of us, but I couldn't keep it together. I screamed. I screamed until my throat couldn't take it anymore. I felt so betrayed, so angry at the universe for taking you away. I had just talked to you the day before, saying "you need to get better so you can come home and see me graduate!" You didn't get to though. I held it together that weekend until I had to face you at the visitation. You looked like you were sleeping, like any minute you were going to wake up and yell at everyone to be quiet. But you didn't...and my heart broke even more than I thought possible. I said my final goodbye to you on April 17th, 2016. I wanted to speak at your funeral. I even had something written up, but I just couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to you.
5. Granny...I have tattoos now.
I know if you were here, you'd ring my neck over them and tell me I shouldn't be marking up my pretty skin with them. I'd smile, and try to explain to you that they are art, and they make me happy. I even got your writing tattooed on my wrist so I can take you everywhere with me. I know the look you'd be giving me, the one that goes, "I'm always with you; what did you need to get my writing permanently put on you for?". I wouldn't argue with you because you'd end up winning it anyway. We'd just agree to disagree and go about watching "Wheel of Fortune" or "Jeopardy," or whatever daytime television you had on when I was on breaks from school. I plan on getting many more tattoos, much to Mom's dismay.
6.Granny...I miss you.
I know I say it a lot, and that people get tired of hearing it, but I miss you every day. I see you in everything I do and wonder if you're proud of me. I hope you are, and I'm doing my best to keep myself from drowning most days. Every time I find myself slipping, I ask myself if you would be proud of me before I make any kind of decision. I know you would tell me to just do what makes me happy, but you were such a huge part of my life that I find myself asking that question. I never thought I would miss you this much. I tried to prepare myself for you not being here, but I'm still so unprepared. I miss you. Some days are better than others, but I'm slowly getting there.
I love you Granny and we'll meet again at some point.
