Ahhh, the most wonderful time of the year is officially upon us, and love is in the air.
The snow is falling, the cookies are baking, and all around you adorable couples are emerging from their summer solstice.
Being bitter and single is rough enough, but the Holidays mean family gatherings, and you will inevitably be cornered by Aunt Carol and asked, much like every other year, “When are you going to bring a date to one of these dinners, dear, we’re starting to worry…”
The humiliation grows with each passing year. You’re edging closer and closer to that unspecified age where everyone expects you to be in a committed relationship, and you start to panic. How old is too old to get married? Should I already be thinking about kids? Surely it’s just because I have high standards, right? Damnit, Aunt Carol has struck again.
You really have 4 phases to conquer before you can enjoy a few months of peace.
Phase I: Thanksgiving
When your promiscuous Aunt asks you when you’re getting married, smile kindly and let her know that she’s been married enough times already for the both of you. It’s a surefire way to guarantee you can enjoy the rest of your dinner in peace. (Actual scenarios may vary, prepare yourself with appropriate responses for each member of your family to ensure complete success.)
My other, slightly less effective suggestion: always have food in your mouth. No one will have a chance to interrogate you when you’re four plates deep with a fork full of pumpkin pie pressed to your lips. (This plan may cause sudden weight gain. Proceed with caution.)
Phase II: Christmas
Two things: buy yourself something nice, and stay off social media. Your news feed will be flooded with cute couple pictures by the tree and presents like jewelry and puppies and surprise trips and you’ll want to melt into a puddle of tears so you don’t have to face the reality that a handsome boy did not, in fact, place a ring in an ornament and ask you to be his forever. Fear not, my fellow lonely friends, your time will come, and you may take solace in knowing you didn’t have the stress of finding the perfect gift, and thus more time to enjoy the Holiday with family and friends. (Should you be confronted by friends/family regarding your relationship status, refer to the tips in Phase I. Works every time.)
Phase III: New Years
Brace yourselves for the kissing pictures. They will haunt you like a bad dream, and It will hurt, however, you may choose to handle it in one of three ways: kiss a stranger (like you mean it), kiss your drink (because that glass of bubbly will never break your heart), or avoid the parties and opt for an early night in with some takeout and a good movie.
All three are sure to ease your New Years blues and leave you feeling confident and refreshed as you begin a new chapter, one that hopefully leads to a whirlwind new romance.
Phase IV: Valentine’s Day
This is undoubtedly the most difficult of the four phases; everything you have been practicing was preparing you for this very moment. I suggest beginning the day with a mirror pep talk; you stand in front of that mirror and list all of the great things about yourself. When you’re feeling confident enough, flip your hair, strap on those heels, and start your day.
Remember to splurge on a nice bouquet and a pint of ice cream, because you don’t need anyone to make you happy. The grocery store can do that all on its own. Snuggle up to a body pillow and surround yourself with blankets to give yourself the illusion that you’re not alone and you’ll sleep like a baby.
Most of all, remember that your worth is not centered around your ability to be in a relationship. Hold tight to what you believe in and one day the right person will come into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Until then, you’ve got a few coping mechanisms to get you through the season. May the gatherings be ever in your favor.
