For so long I've thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship, fleeting or something that lasts for a long time. In almost every time that I've thought about it though, as good as it looked, I just couldn't see myself getting into one.
Starting from a young age, I was constantly, albeit discretely, told by my parents and relatives that I should put off getting a boyfriend because school should always come first. At first, I never thought anything of it, knowing that my family jokes around at times and likes to tease us younger people a lot. As I got older, this "suggestion" became a more serious warning, a wish that my mom wanted me to consider. Deep down, I knew that getting into a relationship would devastate her or my family (they happily ask me if I have a boyfriend every time I video chat them).
Unconsciously I did take this suggestion seriously—I kept getting into a relationship at the back of my mind and focus solely on basically on everything else. I became oblivious and would never realize if someone was interested in me (to this day I still doubt this even happens).
I know that I'm not ready for a serious committed relationship. When you're in a relationship, it's sort of making a promise to someone else, a promise that you shouldn't break. There's also a lot of things that you would have to be responsible enough for in a relationship—it's not only a commitment that you make emotionally but also something that would take up time and energy. As someone who has a hard time expressing emotions that are too revealing, as well as being someone who likes to constantly busy herself to forget about the hard things in life, having a relationship seems a little challenging.
Taking into consideration the other party, I've also thought that it wouldn't be fair to them that I can't express my true thoughts all the time or commit as much time as I should, or want, to them. Often, I've heard that a relationship is a two-way street—if he's putting in more effort than I am, it just wouldn't be fair to them.
And this point is not true for a lot of people, thankfully, and just something that may apply to few, but I find it challenging to see me with someone else because I'm not satisfied with who I am at this time. I know it's unrealistic to want myself to be good enough for another person, and hopefully, I do grow out of this mindset become happier with who I am. At this time though, I am still far from it.
For those who are experiencing something similar to me, don't be too sad about it. It's true that relationships help you learn more about yourself and offer you many positives, but that doesn't mean that's the only means to achieving that. I personally am accepting of my single status. There may be some reflecting that I should do or some mindset that I want to grow from, but because of my friends, I don't feel so alone and deprived of the things a relationship can offer.
