There’s this (not so) funny way of living that is prevalent throughout our society. I like to think of it as the Cookie Cutter Lifestyle™. It has its advantages, I’ll admit, but the multistep program runs into many snags along the way if you do not adhere to it explicitly. So the lifestyle should be followed to a T and never abridged or in the least bit tampered with.

Step one is a tad out of your control: be born into an upper middle class family. This is not to say that completing the program is impossible if you miss this step, but the subsequent steps may be harder to reach. Outside of that, a few sub-points to consider for a fairly straightforward lifestyle are as follows:

- Be a man

- Be heterosexual

- Be white (or light enough to pass for white)

- Be endowed with average intelligence

- Maintain selective morality

If you happen to achieve the first step, then congratulations! The rest is pretty straightforward. From here on out, you just have to be mediocre at pretty much everything you do. The first ten or so years of schooling don’t really matter, as universities and colleges hand out money based on your GPA and achievements stemming from high school. So as long as you skirt by on minimal effort and the occasional cheated exam, a 3.4 GPA (or thereabouts) should be well within reach.

But don’t forget to add insignificant accolades which will mean nothing the moment you start classes at your respective post-secondary institution. For example, it doesn’t hurt to be in the National Honor Society or a comparable academic organization. Special awards like Eagle Scout or the Gold Award are measures of character, but are actually pretty easy to achieve if you sit down and crank out the necessary paper work. Should you play a sport, recognize the potential to pay for school and hop on it. No, not everyone will play professionally, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make your way through college loan-free. So seize the opportunity and prolong the inevitable end of your playing career in the process.

Once you hit university, things become tricky. The first thing to do for this step is decide on a desirable major which you can, quite frankly, half ass. Such degrees include, but are not limited to, political science, sports management, English, psychology, elementary education, art, and accounting. Again, there are others, but these are generally the ones people pursue when they tell themselves they’re going to change the world.

After you’ve selected a major, it’s just four-plus years of meager education whilst maintaining a C-average. At the end, they present you with a piece of paper worth anywhere between $40,000 and $150,000. If you want to further yourself and teach the next generation the ways of this program, then another few years of schooling and more student loans are required to certify your competence in mediocrity. If not, then congratulations! You’re ready for the work force and, therefore, the rest of your life.

From here on out, it’s pretty much a “choose your own adventure” life. Though all paths eventually lead to retirement and, ultimately, death, it’s important to remember that certain milestones are to be considered when progressing through this journey. By twenty-five, it’s best to have found someone that you can stand to talk to and engage with for longer than a few minutes at a time. Giving them a ring which society has pressed upon you will strengthen this bond further. By thirty, it’s advisable that you look into the possibility of having your own children who will, in turn, need your guidance as they take part in this strange, inexplicable multi-step program. You might not feel ready, but don’t worry: nobody ever is.

By the time your children are ready to pursue their own college dreams, you should have enough assets saved to help secure loans for their own education. By this time, though, the actual cost of education may have well doubled or quintupled since your days in a dorm room. No matter, the federal government will disburse the same amount of money to your child as they did to you to help cover tuition costs. It works, trust me.

By 60, you should really start looking to retirement. Five years may seem like plenty of time, but it really isn’t. Just ask any toddler. Plus, Social Security is no longer a safe bet given the trends of older generations who are incapable of understanding shifting socio-economic landscapes and the impact we have upon the very land we inhabit. So saving early is doubly important. If you haven’t saved much to this point, then expect to work for several years beyond your expected retirement age. Also at this point, you should began to have nagging suspicions of regret. These are very real and very common. In fact, the suicide rate in older people is considerably higher than the average due to feelings of regret which stem from economic instability, social pressures, and missed life opportunities. Don’t believe me, just open a newspaper!

By 80, your children should be preparing financially and emotionally for your coming death. Though many people will pass before this point, others will live well beyond it. Right now, this is a happy median which negates the possibility of living another two decades! Should this happen to you, then nursing homes and other forms of assisted living are probably in your future. If not, then congratulations! You’ve reached the end!