It’s dinnertime. What began as a friendly conversation about the election has grown fangs and transformed into a monstrous debate. Fifty different arguments are flying, voices are getting hoarse, and no one is listening to each other. This is sure to end in tears, or at best, some hurt feelings.

It doesn’t have to be this way; there’s a way to debate productively. Laura Bucci, a political science graduate student at Indiana University, knows how to tame this beast with four simple rules:

1. Winning isn’t everything

“I think the best goal moving forward,” Bucci advises, “is to remember that you’re not trying to win.”

A debate is “a discussion between people in which they express different opinions about something,” according to Webster Dictionary. It also describes a fight as a means to “defeat an enemy.” In order to debate productively, you must remember that these two words are not the same thing.

“You shouldn’t go in and attack your family members, and they shouldn’t attack you. If that’s happening on either side, you’re not debating anymore—you’re fighting,” says Bucci.

So, before you start sharpening your sword, remember that this debate is not supposed to be a means of victory, but rather, education.

2. When you’re talking, don’t be condescending

When you’re knowledgeable about the topic, it‘s easy to feel like you can simply lecture the other side—this could happen even if you aren’t knowledgeable. You could see this as a great way to show off how smart you are and prove how stupid the other guy is. “You don’t want to use information to point fingers; you want to use information to explain,” Bucci advises.

Some good ways to frame your information, according to Bucci, could be to say things like “Have you heard…?,” or “I have some information if you’d like me to send it.” Simply relaying information isn’t condescending and “if you think of [your argument] as information and not as winning, it’ll change how you explain it.”

3. And when you’re not talking…listen

When you are finished making a point and supposed to be listening, you are often packing your cannon with dynamite information that will surely set the other’s case crumbling, instead.

“Don’t try to perfect the way you’re going to ‘one up’ them,” Bucci recommends. Instead, “if you want to talk, you can stop and think after they’re done. Or you can think in the background.”

4. Be willing to learn

“It’s important that, even if you don’t agree with information, it can still provide you with an understanding of what other people are thinking,” says Bucci.

So, instead of thinking of the opposition as a stupid person whom you should educate, think of them as a source of information you may not have. You never know, maybe you’re the stupid person who needs to be educated.

But just because the other argument has valid points, “doesn’t mean you have to change what you believe in,” Bucci says.