"Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel."
Philippians 1:27

Recently, I've been going through some weird transitions. I don't even know exactly where to begin or how to explain what I mean. Except that my soul is being shredded, ripped apart, and slowly, painfully pieced back together...in the best of ways, of course.

I have relationships that are failing, thriving, dissipating, and challenging. I am in a season of work where I don't see an exact payoff and a season of life where the road ahead disappears before I can see the end result.

But regardless of my unknown future, here is something I am holding onto. I am learning that my character in the night must match my character of the day. That means that name calling towards other brothers and sisters in Christ or children that are lost is unacceptable, even if the only place I talk about it is in my heart. Foul and deadly thoughts bouncing through my mind are unacceptable if I am proclaiming a good and lovely Father.

I was recently told that "perception is reality" but I passionately disagree with that statement. In fact, I completely reject it. The lady who just caught me reading my Bible at a coffee shop and said an obligatory "God bless you" upon her departure seemingly appeared to be a person of faith yet my spirit recognized the stench of death among her, for she does not walk with my Jesus. That perception was not reality.

The short brunette reading her Bible at a local coffee shop appears to be a devout believer but has been soul shatteringly desperate for real connection to her Savior, she's been missing the time for her soul to be filled while attempting to single-handedly fill the souls of others. What a fool.

Perception is not reality. In fact, I care very little for perception. I want truth. I want to dip into the hard, messy reality of the woman who couldn't quite make eye contact upon the words "God bless you" as she walked away from me. I want to dive into the Scripture, into the very presence of God, alone from the world as much as I appear to be in front of it.

I want to fight behind closed doors, when I think I am the only one who can see, to become a woman of integrity, compassion, grit, determination, and love. It is so easy to fool you people, whose only connection with me is through my Instagram or these carefully crafted words. You see only what I allow and what I choose.

But may I surrender that privilege to God, to the One who makes true connections and builds true character. May you see the real Rachel, the hard and holy and messy parts of this life. For I don't care much for the perception but for the truth.

It is for the truth I fight, even amongst the silent night.