One of the most common phrases a parent can utilize with an unreasonable child is “use your words.” Surprisingly enough, the time has come that this same phrase can apply just as well to the realm of dating. There is a troubling phenomenon gaining popularity in the same seemingly godless world that gave birth to Tinder—that is, the world of modern romance. The name of the game?
Ghosting
For those who have either
a. never taken an interest in another human being
or
b. are not familiar with how to work Urban Dictionary
“Ghosting” is the technique of simply disappearing from a relationship without explanation, usually digitally, such as by text. Because social media and the advance of technology have forever changed how we meet and interact with new people, it has also impacted the way we stop interacting with those people.
Of course blowing people off didn’t begin with the rise of online dating, but it’s become much easier owing to the fact that we can simply hide behind a screen. It is the most impersonal and convenient way to eliminate a person you initially, but incorrectly, thought you would want to pursue. Though ghosting can be done at any point, it most commonly occurs early on, before you’ve ever talked about where the relationship is going. What's interesting about these early stages of a relationship is that there can be a big discrepancy between the levels of attachment. So after texting and going on a couple of dates, person number one may feel good about investing in the other person, while person number two may have no serious intentions whatsoever. In the case of the second person, it can be far less emotionally taxing to ghost, because he or she does not have to sit across from the first person and watch them struggle with the rejection.
The problem with this mentality is that it gives the impression that ghosting is without negative emotional repercussion, which is simply not true. Ghosting has neither the perk of a quick resolution, nor the benefit of less intense pain. It is also highly symbolic of communication in this age: very little, and non-committal. This is where it may be helpful to remember the admonitions of our parents to use our words, because if we are going to be mature enough to start a relationship, we must be able to end one civilly as well.
Our negative reactions to being ghosted stem from attachment theory, which describes relationship dynamics. If the basis of attachment is trust and security, then we tend to let down our guard in order to form a relationship when a person makes us feel safe. If the relationship is ended unexpectedly, we are left with self-doubt because of our vulnerability. A relationship that was pretty insignificant can, then, take weeks to get over; not because the relationship itself was wonderful, nor because the other person was very appealing, but just because people cannot tolerate being left without justification. Today, having the last word can be seen as a bad thing because it implies unreciprocated desire. It is a message from the “ghoster” that the “ghostee” is not even worth a response. This can make us beg the question “what’s wrong with me?”
The answer: statistically, probably nothing.
The fact of the matter is, about 78 percent of millennials have reported being ghosted, meaning you are not alone if you have experienced the unpleasant silence that accompanies a flaky romantic interest.
But why is this such a powerful trend?
One of the things that dating apps do is present pools of options, and these pools seem vast and endless. And whenever we select a person from them, we are apt to wonder “What if there’s something better out there?”
We will always have to face that question, regardless of the circumstance under which we meet our people of interest. We will also have to face abandonment, because according to the Journal of Research in Personality, one of the seven ways to end a relationship is “avoiding and withdrawing from contact with a partner.” The common denominator determining the outcome of every situation of uncertainty or abandonment is how we deal with it. It’s a matter of maturity. If we can realize that other peoples’ actions normally have more to do with them than they do with us, we can avoid questioning our worth and taking a hit on our self-esteem every time someone is not adult enough to use their words. Regardless of whether ghosting is a new disease created by the dating app era or just a new word to describe an age old phenomenon, it is important that we do not let it ruin all the potential fun that dating may yet hold in store for us.
