In today's loud and eccentric culture, one may find oneself pondering the phrase "silence is a virtue." It would be easy to fall into the trap of agreeing with this cliché; after all, wouldn't the world be a happier place if people refrained from gossiping, calling each other names, and being loud-mouthed? While it may be the case that people would be more agreeable if they were quieter, it is important to understand the larger implications of being silent and why some people speak so infrequently. What you believe to be a virtue could be the product of life-altering anxiety.
Imagine this: you see a student in class every day and have never heard him (I will utilize male pronouns throughout to cut back on the wordiness of using her/him) talk. He keeps his head down, takes notes, and does not linger after class ends. You see him in the library on weekends, never at parties or social events. You assume he is simply very studious and diligent and admire his self-discipline. He seems to be the epitome of the phrase "silence is a virtue", indifferent to his surroundings and not allowing outside drama to tarnish his focus. He is quiet, which enables him to concentrate on his school work rather than become distracted by an active social life. His reticence leaves him free from conflict; you never see him engage in verbal arguments.
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Nevertheless, it is impossible to know what occurs in this person's mind. We constantly make assumptions about why people do things. Otherwise, we would not be able to make sense of others' actions. Sometimes these assumptions are true, but more often they are false. In the end, how likely is it that the single, solitary idea one chooses to believe is accurate, out of all the possibilities? Thus, when assuming something to be true, we must treat this postulation as what it is: a theory. If we do this, we leave open other possibilities, and the value of being open-minded cannot be overstated. An open mind allows one to account for multiple possibilities and results in a greater willingness to accept the truth.
So when assuming someone is quiet simply because he is studious and well-disciplined, one must leave other possibilities open. Perhaps this student does not choose to be mute, but actually feels he cannot speak. This is the reality of social anxiety: the constant desire to talk, to be a part of the social landscape, but the inability to speak because of an intense fear that speaking will result in embarrassment, which could lead to judgment and rejection.
Many people fail to understand how one can be “unable” to talk. Clearly, people with social anxiety are capable of speech, but the ability to speak ranges in difficulty depending on the situation. Commonly, those with social anxiety can speak comfortably around individuals they know well, yet have great difficulty speaking in the presence of strangers or authority figures. This difficulty can manifest itself physically, such as by an intense weight on one's chest and the feeling of one's throat closing. These physical symptoms are what may lead someone with social anxiety to describe their experience as being "unable" to speak.
With these physical symptoms and the intense fears experienced by those with social anxiety in mind, it is important to consider the implications of this mental illness. Social anxiety disorder frequently leads sufferers to avoid social activities in which strangers will be present, as well as fear everyday tasks such as phone calls or eating in public. Nonetheless, possibly the greatest hardship those with social anxiety face is immense difficulty forming close relationships. As a consequence of social anxiety, sufferers may continually feel like they are walking a tightrope when attempting to form a new relationship. A balance must be struck between showing interest in forming a connection with someone, while simultaneously giving that person sufficient space so as not to come across too pushy. After all, the last thing anyone wants is for someone to only engage with him because he/she feels pestered and is too polite, to be honest.
Often when trying to strike this balance, someone with social anxiety will err on the side of giving their acquaintance too much space. The fear of rejection is so great it leads the sufferer to fear bothering this person, thus making him hesitant to initiate a conversation. The logic of someone with social anxiety follows: if someone is interested in forming a relationship, he/she will establish first contact. Of course, this mode of thinking frequently leads those with social anxiety to have painfully few conversations with people. As a result, they may have few friends because they are too afraid to put themselves out there and push a new relationship into being.
So next time you see someone who is consistently quiet and reserved, assume what you will, but consider reaching out to him. While this person may appear not to be interested in social relationships, it is possible he does not speak because he feels he cannot. The small action of even saying "hello" to this person could make his day brighter. Ultimately, all someone with social anxiety wants is to feel visible. It is important to remember individuals with social anxiety often deeply desire close relationships, but are held back from initiating them for fear of rejection. Therefore, the small step of initiating such a relationship could mean the world to someone who suffers from social anxiety. But before you can make this step toward improving someone's life, you must remember: silence does not always signify indifference. Sometimes silence is a mask hiding immense mental turmoil, but you will never know unless you take the time to ask.
