The American dream includes having a house with a white picket fence and the perfect family. But you're going to do so much more.
If more than one of these applies to you, congrats, your future as a suburban mother is set. Now, go drink a box of wine.
1. The future you. MILF alert. You have pretty much
your entire future laid out from the dress you'll wear on your wedding day to
your unborn kids' names. You've thought about nice areas to live in with good
school systems and friendly neighborhoods. Your ideal future includes, but is
not limited to, a beach house, a lake house, belonging to a country club where
your hubby will play golf, two to three kids (at least one boy and one girl), a nice
suburban house, a boat so you have a place to wear your Sperrys and a Range
Rover.
2. Shopping. You frequently coupon and only buy
things you can use a coupon for, and Target tends to be your main place to hit
up for everything. You've also already picked out the stores you plan on
spending your big bucks at for your future suburban self, your hubby and
future children (aka Vineyard Vines and all the cute little stores selling baby
clothes). If you have twins, they'll wear matching outfits for the first year
of their lives.
3. Kids. If you have a job working with kids, like
myself, you pick out kids that you want your kids to be like and watch them,
trying to figure out how to raise them to make them exactly the same way. You
also pray your kids will be cute (because who cares about health, right?). You
even have your future kids' names and extracurriculars picked out. . . lacrosse
for TJ and dance for Emily. You've contemplated being a good person and
adopting, but decided you want your kids to be your own.
4. Food. You shop at Whole Foods, eat organic or
all natural, except for your daily can of Diet Coke, and you know your
local Starbucks barista on a personal level.
5. Pastimes. You love wine more than you
will love your future hubby, you read People magazine and watch shows like
Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Real Housewives of anywhere, you love shopping, people watching, gossiping and you eat at Uncle Julio's
religiously. How can you even begin to fathom giving up this lifestyle?
6. Your childhood. You went to private school, have
a car for every driver in your household, you never had to take public
transportation (gross) and watched cartoons on Sunday mornings with the smell
of bacon filling your lungs. You aim to give your children the same memories.
7. Social butterfly. Do you love hosting parties,
eating cheese and drinking wine, gossiping and attending church, solely in the
hopes that someone you know sees your cute church outfit? If yes, then you'll
make the perfect suburban mother.
8. Parent involvement. You can see
yourself being a little too obsessed with your kid. You cheer for your younger
siblings, campers or favorite top athlete louder than anyone else, which
is exactly what you'll do for your kids from the sidelines. You'll be the
parent handing out the oranges at halftime and screaming extremely unhelpful
generic advice like, "Keep your eye on the ball!"
9. The pick-up. You can see yourself being a stay-at-home parent, picking up said children in said Range Rover from
said private school after coming from yoga or Pilates class, which is why you're
picking up your kids in work-out clothes, not just to show that you're a MILF.
