Look for these signs of abuse in a relationship, no matter the gender of the abuser and victim. Know the signs and know where and how to get help.
1. Threatening to kill themselves if you leave them.
Sometimes a relationship goes sour or gets abusive, and you want out of it. You tell them it's over, but they threaten to kill themselves if you walk out that door (or worse, they'll threaten to take you both out). This is a top indicator that this is an abusive relationship and can get physical (if it hasn't already). Abusers are desperate to keep you within their grasp, and they will keep you there by any means
2. Isolating you from your family.
Family can talk you out of a lot of dangerous situations, but if you can't talk to them, you are more susceptible to the grasp of an abuser. They like to cut off all communication coming your way. If they can't do that, they will often only let you converse with family through the phone. They are always in the room and almost always make you put the phone on speaker. This allows them to prevent any help that your family could be trying to give.
3. They have all of your passwords for everything (but won't share theirs).
This is another method they use to keep you from reaching out or leaving. It's one thing for both parties to have each other's information, but it's another thing if they demand that you give them your info and won't share theirs. If they have your social media information, they can filter and censor what you say online. This includes messaging family for help, but it can also include pretending to be you and posting/messaging in your name. Sometimes abusers will become angry if you ask for their information, stating that is isn't your business.
4. They constantly put you down or humiliate you.
Abusers thrive off of the power that you give them. The weaker you seem, the stronger they feel. Therefore, they will never pass up a chance to make you seem less than. This can be done with physical assault, emotional abuse, or psychological torture. If they can't break you, they will drive themselves mad trying, which leaves you with the short end of the stick.
5. Acting unreasonably jealous and/or being provocative with others.
Not only do they put you down by other means, but they also will try to show you that anyone could replace you. If you aren't "satisfying their needs," they may start vying for another's affection. However, this isn't a secret. They will rub it in your face that they could be with another person, but they won't give you that option yourself. Any coworker, friend, or a worker at the place of business that you are in may feel the wrath of your abuser. The abuser won't dare let you associate with another if it means they could lose their grip on you.
6. They track your every movement.
If you are allowed out of the house, it's on their terms. Car mileage is tracked, phones are tracked, and permission has to be asked before you can go out. If they could microchip you, they would. In some cases, they may ask you to send a picture of you in the location that you said you were in, often doing random things like holding up random fingers. If you cannot satisfy them with the reason of why you are in some place, they become angry and threaten you.
7. They blame everyone else.
They never admit their wrongdoings, or they say something like, " If YOU hadn't made me mad, I wouldn't have..." If they don't blame you, they blame those around you. Family, friends, in-laws, etc. can become the scapegoat for their actions or words.
8. They have a previous history of being an abuser.
NEVER be with someone who has a past of being an abuser. It is not hard for them to fall back in line with their old habits ( if they even tried to stop) and may become even more violent than before. They often claim that their previous partner was horrible or abusive themselves, and/or they claim that they had a crazy ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. While self-defense is a valid way to defend yourself from abusers, abusers themselves will claim that they defended themselves from their victims.
9. Treats you like a servant.
You are expected to cook, clean, tend to any children (yours or otherwise), and be presentable at all times. Abusers will not generally help out because that is your role as the submissive partner. Any violation of this could have you feeling their wrath. They use this servant role to try to remind you that they are above you (which, they are not).
10. They get physical with you.
The most transparent sign is physical abuse. If they cannot break your spirit (or even if they can), they will break your body. This often includes the blackening of eyes, busting your lip, cracking your head in, or breaking ribs, but it can include any harm afflicted on you. They might claim that it was your fault, or they might claim that they are sorry. Abusers are only sorry that they can get caught, and they will never defer from punishments otherwise.
If you need help, here are some hotlines to reach out to.
Seek shelter with a trusted family member or friend.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
LoveIsRespect.org National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
1.866.331.9474
National Center for Victims of Crime
1.800.FYI.CALL (1-800-394-2255)
