We've all been there!
You befriended somebody, you've been friends with them for a while now (or maybe not), but you're starting to wonder...is this toxic? Did they make a snide comment about you, a colleague, or a mutual friend? Did they brush you off when you needed them the most? Did they recently befriend someone who dislikes you? You could know in your heart of hearts that this friendship is toxic, or the realization could have smacked you in the face. Whatever the red light was for you to be reading this article, I am here to list 10 of the many ways to spot a toxic friendship in your life.
1. You can't be yourself around them.
A friendship is not healthy unless you can be your authentic selves around each other. If you feel yourself constantly modifying your interests, personality traits, hobbies, etc. around them in order to make yourself seem more appealing, that can be absolutely draining over time. Especially if they tell you who you can or can't be friends with, what to wear, what to believe, how to act, and more...it could seem subtle at first, but then when you realize you were living to please another person for a while...that's never a fun realization! If you can't be yourself around this person, or if you feel insecure around them, then this is likely a toxic friendship.
2. (This could seem like an obvious one to some people): they make fun of you!
Okay, hear me out. When we are not in the best frame of mind, sometimes we end up being friends with people who outright make fun of us! You could feel that, even though you may dislike being made fun of, you won't have anybody else if you leave this toxic friendship. I am here to tell you...it is better to be alone than to be with bad company, trust me! Maybe you feel like this person you are friends with is 'better' than you, and so subconsciously you let them off the hook when it comes to making you feel bad.
The truth is...nobody is better than you, and you do not deserve to be treated as if you are less-than. This could be a less obvious sign than I am making it out to be, though. Sometimes the 'making fun of' is subtle. Perhaps you brush off their offensive jokes and put on your armour shield all of the time; cruel jokes aren't funny, as they could potentially bring up insecurities that you might not have even known you had! These remarks aren't always directly to you, either. Maybe they belittle you while talking to other people, and that's no fun. If your friend makes fun of you often, it could be time for you to rule this friendship as toxic and run for the hills. But, if roasting each other is your mutual 'thing,' maybe you laughed at this entire point...who knows!
3. When you need them, suddenly they are gone.
Life gets busy, and not everybody has the ability to talk and text with their friends 24/7. However, you could have that one friend who you are always there for, you know that they aren't extremely busy...but every time you need them, they disappear! This sign is only relevant if it is a recurring phenomenon, let me make that clear.
You're emotionally distraught, you need some advice or maybe just someone to talk to, so you contact your friend. You know they aren't busy, they're in a secure headspace, and you have always been there to help them out when they needed it! But they don't reply to your message; or if they do, they give a very simple, shallow response somewhere along the lines of like, "Awh, that sucks!" with no other sentiments.
Out of respect for yourself, you shouldn't be giving all of your emotional support to somebody who gives you nothing in return. The exception is with friends that are struggling in one way or another and are unable to help you, let alone help themselves. Other than those types of friendships, yikes girl...this could be a sign of toxicity!
4. They never understand your P.O.V.
Let's say your friend does give you advice and support! You mutually listen to and support each other. In fact, this could be your go-to. But, every time that you do get advice from them...it is not relevant to your point of view.
Somebody could have insulted you, maybe you and your partner are fighting, or maybe a mutual friend hasn't been treating you with the most respect. You talk to your go-to about a scenario involving another person...but...they consistently defend that 'other person,' and not you. Obviously, if you are clearly in the wrong in a situation, it is healthy for your friend to call you out on that. However, if it seems that even in scenarios where you know you are clearly being mistreated, they still defend the other person...there could be some trouble there.
If this person is your best friend and your go-to, heck, even if you are in the wrong it is still important for them to acknowledge your P.O.V. in some way. You deserve a friend that will stick up for you to your face, behind your back, and everywhere in-between...lol. If they can't even stick up for you, to you...they probably aren't supporting you around other people, either. It may be time for you to take a step back and realize how toxic this friendship is.
5. Your friend is double-sided.
Yes, like double-sided tape! They latch onto everybody...even people who openly dislike you!
Okay, this one is kind of tricky. Now, if they have remained good friends with this person for a very long time, this could serve as an excuse as to why they may be friends with them. But, if they consciously made the effort and the decision to become friends with somebody who doesn't like you or respect you, they probably do not have your best interest at heart.
Healthy friendships consist of loyalty and respect for each other; them hanging out with people who have hurt you does not sound like 'loyalty' or 'respect' to me! You deserve to feel secure in all of your friendships...and it is difficult to feel secure when you know that your friend surrounds themselves with people who don't like you. This is toxic, and my advice is to end this friendship.
6. They get you into trouble...and not the fun kind.
We all learned about peer-pressure in elementary school, and we could all probably ace a test on the subject at this point. Of course, your friends are usually the ones who get you into the habits of partying, drinking, and more. Those things are usually harmless, (unless, of course, they strongly go against your moral code). You may have noticed that ever since you befriended this person, they have negatively impacted you in some way. This could be that they got you into doing drugs that aren't so 'harmless,' encouraged you to be in relationships that aren't so healthy, convinced you to quit a sport or a job that you loved. Maybe they even discouraged you from getting out there and trying something new to benefit yourself.
Whether they're holding you back from something that could help you, or getting you to do things that could harm you, this is a sign of a toxic friendship.
7. You're friends with a Negative Nancy.
I will admit that I am guilty of leaning towards the 'glass half empty' mentality sometimes. If you or your friend are just generally unsure people who don't expect much, have had some bad luck up their sleeve, or haven't had the best past when it comes to certain situations...I'm not talking about you! I'm talking about the friends who constantly talk poorly about other people and feen off of negativity. Talking about drama is low-level energy, but we all do it sometimes, and that's perfectly okay.
However, if you notice that your friend purposefully instigates drama in your lives, surrounds themselves with drama left and right, and/or talks crap about people constantly...their habits could be greatly impacting you. Whether you realize it or not, we are who we surround ourselves with. If you are surrounding yourself with people who thrive off of negativity, this could turn you into a negative person as well. I advise you to get out of that friendship before it does a number on your personality or way of thinking!
8. You feel it in your gut that this friendship isn't 'right.'
Our bodies tell us everything we need to know. Human beings are extremely intuitive, and yet we tend to ignore those gut feelings in order to maintain friendships, relationships, jobs, etc. that we wound ourselves up into. I'm here to tell you...do not ignore your own body! Everybody around you could be telling you that this person has changed, or that they seem like a great friend, or that they are an amazing person.
But only you will truly know what is right.
These warning signs could range anywhere from a gut feeling, to outright thinking to yourself, "No, they haven't changed." or "No, they aren't actually a good person." As funny as it sounds, sometimes we even ignore our own thoughts! If you feel or instinctively know that your friendship is toxic, please do not ever ignore that.
9. This one calls for some self-reflection: you! You are also a part of this toxic friendship!
I'm looking at you! Yes, you! Do you ever notice yourself befriending people who dislike your friend, and you don't seem to care about it? Do you find yourself not always having your friend's best interest at heart: you would rather see them fall so that you can feel like you're flying? Do you recall yourself ever not caring enough to have your friend's back?
Are you a caustically negative person, who needs to do some self-work before harming more people?
Maybe this friendship does not bring out the best in you, and for that it is toxic. 'Toxicity' is not always about the other person, it could certainly be you who brings the toxicity to the table. I am not judging you for that, nobody is! As long as you come to terms with it and really think about whether or not it is a considerate choice to remain friends with the other person.
Every single one of us possesses toxic traits that we have picked up on from simply being alive. It's up to you whether or not you choose to work on them! You could end this friendship out of respect for yourself and for the other person, or maybe you could apologize for your mistakes and work towards bettering yourself. Self-improvement is always possible, and I believe in you! Maybe this friendship isn't the best for you - maybe it will be once you've improved - or maybe you'll find yourself better off in other friendships.
Whatever the case may be, toxic friendships can go both ways, and it's important to reflect from time-to-time on the type of friend that you are to others.
10. You read this entire article.
Hey, I swear I didn't run out of signs! As I've mentioned before, there are countless ways to spot a toxic friendship, like, so many more. These are just a few of what I consider to be the main signs! If you have read this whole article, and you could relate to any of these things, I hope that it was eye-opening in some way! I mentioned in some 'signs' that you might want to end this friendship, and I do stand by that advice if any of these are repeated behaviors.
However, maybe your friend is completely unaware of their toxicity. It is important for you to be confrontational about what matters to you in a friendship. If they aren't willing to listen to your concern, that's another sign...oops! Definitely consider confronting them about their behavior as long as it is safe for you to do so, and see if any improvements come about from that.
If nothing gives, it might be time to end things and pursue a more positive life for yourself. I will be a broken record, and leave you with this again: "it is better to be alone than to be with bad company." Best of luck and take care!
