At some point in your life, you believed in having the most perfect relationship with the person you would one day call the love of your life. This someone is a person who once was a complete stranger, who in many ways, was super attractive. The stars align and you find yourselves holding the first conversation with each other and it seems to be the perfect opportunity to get to know about them. Things go well, and he/she suggests you two carry on talking the next couple of days. Information is exchanged and the night fades away and you brag to your closest friend about such a successful moment in your life. The routine no longer becomes finding yourself staring at your phone aimlessly, scrolling down your feed on Instagram or Facebook. Instead, it turns into expecting a text from him/her and the conversations grow long and interesting.
After a couple of weeks or even months, you find yourself in a position where you are fond of the person, and you ask yourself “Well, what do I do with these feelings? Are they going to collect dust or should I speak out on them?” Of course, not everyone reacts the same way or even thinks the same, so all your stories may be different. However, when it comes to moments like those, it’s time to ask yourselves this question; should you consider getting into a relationship?
Let’s break the ice here; an actual relationship should not be set up and driven the way it gets portrayed in the movies. A relationship isn’t something you can direct to follow a simple plot and have certain outcomes and downfalls. There is no such thing as a “cut” scene; it’s really do or die. A relationship nowadays has so many variations; some are strictly isolated, some are open relationships, some are even facades that mask a dark truth. The reality isn’t good; we all carry heavy expectations and how we first enter a relationship isn’t how we carry ourselves until the end. I say “we” because I know we all have some sort of experience of what being a part of a relationship is like, and I know we all aren’t the most perfect of humans.
However, the key to a successful relationship, ladies and gentleman, is simplicity. Yes, not everything about a relationship has to be as hard as formulating a cure to the rarest disease. No, a relationship doesn’t have to be perfect in the sense that you get your every way, every wish, and every need met and set on a silver platter. It should be no different from a friendship where you can trust the person you just settled on exclusivity with.
It should be no different from a sibling-ship where you can find the most comfort while being around your partner, almost as if you’re home all the time. It should be no different from going to school, where you are both the student and teacher. You allow for your partner to teach you things that’ll help you progress as a person and handle things better in your home life and professional life. But you also push yourself to teach your other half the beauty of what goes on in your mind, the wonders of the world that you know you’ve encountered or want to encounter. Most importantly, you teach them to appreciate the smallest and biggest of things that come from both your efforts and from your lives. It is about three principles: appreciate, reciprocate, progress.
The beauty of a relationship rests on the communication a pair holds. If you can be as open-minded with your partner, in the respect that they also are allowed to be open-minded, then discussing the flaws present or the goals that have been achieved should be almost effortless. It goes beyond listening actually, let me explain: it should be about listening from one ear and keeping it trapped in your thoughts. Why? You want to be able to digest what just got told to you regardless of the thorns that might’ve pierced your soul at the moment, because placing yourself in someone’s shoes shows just how willing you are to push for resolutions instead of letting the moment anchor itself into destruction.
Aside from listening, it’s the ability to keep casual as you return your thoughts and opinions on everything that has been going on and what just got said to you. Being levelheaded gives you an ample amount of space to think, to hold back from anything stupid you might just blurt out and potentially stab your partner with, and lastly, gives you the lead role in steering and helping change things if it deems necessary. Following communication comes commitment. Commitment is tricky because everyone seems to twist the true meaning for their own purposes and how that plays out can be seen by any broken-hearted or cold person, really.
Commitment is the drive to direct all means of romantic affection to one solid person, who happens to be your partner, and nothing further. This does NOT mean that you have to make that person everything in your life, for that isn’t possible for anyone. Your partner is your partner; they deserve the romantic gestures, pick-up lines, those deep glances that movies often hype up, the list goes on. Your present is with that person, and that’s that. There’s no girl/guy-hopping, girl/guy-swapping, nothing should be temporary in the sense that you have an assured plan B if this were to fail. An asset of commitment is loyalty, where it is tradition to be only in love with and romantically love your partner-- strictly. Commitment and loyalty are the purest forms of monogamy that really tries to be taught well amongst societies.
A sense of faith, support and trust plays a large factor in relationships, and boy those are two things you really don’t want to tamper with. Trust your partner in the smart decisions they make in their professional lives-- if they assure you they’ll be moving up in the world, then trust that it’ll work. Trust your partner with whom they roam around with, bump into, or even meet for the first time. It seems like a lot to ask knowing that there are some people who are known for or even give off the vibes that they’re lethal home-wreckers. If your partner is with their friends at some event, there should be a sense of trust that he/she won’t do anything stupid and lead to confessing he/she cheated on you. You must be able to trust that your partner is loyal to their fullest and heavily invested in the relationship. If this doesn’t seem possible, then maybe you aren’t ready for a relationship.
If you think that just letting them rock on their own is a bit too much anxiety to fight off while you sit at home or somewhere, then offer to tag along with their consent. I say it in those words specifically because some may take an abrupt approach and demand to be brought around somewhere, or everywhere, and that may cause the sense of distrust. And bit by bit, that’ll affect how your partner feels around you and views you. Don’t be too much of a pushover, but don’t be too much of a wimp either-- find the middle and speak out. If your partner has talents that they don’t usually practice because of a past you haven’t been present for, then have faith in them for they probably held on with a struggle. And then support them by pushing them to go out and beyond to master what they’re good at. From sports, to learning and speaking different languages, it matters when you always show genuine support for the healthy things.
Lastly, maintaining a comfort zone and having the option to say “No” when you aren’t OK with something taking place, is very important. It’s perfectly fine to have habits with your spouse in any sense, have daily traditions you’ve both grown accustomed to for it shows that you both have found a comfort zone with each other. You guys can be as happy together whether you’re both feeling and looking your best, or feeling and looking your worst. As relationships grow closer and mature, it’s also important to look at your right to say “no.” No matter what gets begged of you, the numerous soft promises, or well-developed and essay length opinions your partner has on a decision, you have the option to say “no” and have it not happen. This can apply to things such as doing drugs, losing your virginity at their convenience, etc. Not everything has to go someone’s way just because they’ll feel good.
You are there to show your love and invest so much to create potential and establish a healthy future, not for entertainment or solely for pleasure. We are humans, we are wired to work and make progress-- not to be puppets where we are wired to do what is commanded of us and behave as if we’re under control.
An unhealthy relationship goes against the very things listed. Such relationships become toxic, intimidating, and can make you feel like you have no escape. They exploit abuse in forms that really aren’t safe to speak about, however the term itself is self-explanatory and paints a terrible image in one’s mind. You have no voice, you hold no options, you bear no happiness. It is an experience that is scarring, traumatizing, and ultimately life-changing. However, in every bad ending, there is a good beginning. If you are one of those in a toxic relationship, set yourself free for you owe your spouse nothing that requires the endangerment of your very life. There are better things out there for you in the world.
In case of domestic abuse that you are a victim of, or a witness to, please contact NYC’s local hotline where their services are 24/7: 1-800-621-HOPE
If you believe that you can handle the underlying stress behind the endless effort, the unconditional communication, care, and loving that comes with committing to your partner in the name of loyalty while keeping simplicity a major theme -- a relationship is a good and bold move for you. If you feel unsure, there is always next time, just go back out there and analyze the people around you, the environment around you, and lastly the person you view yourself as in the mirror when you come and leave home each passing day. May the best of all things come to you, reader, for whoever you may be and wherever you go, you will always deserve the greater good.
