Suicide: the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. According to the CDC, 113 Americans commit suicide every day, with one every 13 minutes. To not be in a suicidal mindset, to be healthy mentally, is something a lot of people take for granted. Suicide isn’t something that simply happens. Suicide is a result of someone being so lost that they think ending their life is the only option, to be so hurt that they would rather end their suffering. It’s not something someone decides to do one day. It’s something that happens when someone loses a long, seemingly endless, internal battle.
Though Mental Health is becoming more accepted worldwide, there is still a stigma that comes along with the disorder, one that makes a human being feel less than human. You cannot simple tell someone with depression to cheer up, you cannot tell someone with anxiety to stop worrying, you can not tell someone with a panic disorder to "just breathe." People have demons that have not gone away, they have just learned to live with them.
Suicide is not a selfish act. It’s not for attention. It’s for relief. As sad as that sounds, it is. Someone who commits suicide is looking for a way to feel better. Suicide is a result of the mental health stigma, it is frowned upon, looked upon in a cowardly manner, it is not accepted fully by society though recently, it is becoming more common and people are seeking help, which is amazing.
An estimated 1.3 million adults aged 18 or older (0.6 percent) attempted suicide in the past year. Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 77.9 percent of all suicides, though females have more suicidal thoughts than males. Myself included.
At first glance, no one would know I have battled these demons first hand, no one would know that I have spent nights crying alone, wondering why the hell I am even here. No one would have ever guessed I have contemplated suicide during my lifetime. No one would ever guess that I have panic attacks some nights when my world gets so clouded that I feel like I am drowning in my own thoughts. No one would ever know these things because I have never spoken up about it.
I know what it feels to be alone, to feel broken, and worthless though you have friends and family that love you. You are in school, you have friends, you have a job, you have people that love you. But still, you're drowning in this sorrow and you can't pin point when and why this all started. Though still loved immensely, I have been hurt. I have been cheated on and heartbroken, I have been called "unlovable" and "worthless." I have been lied to straight to my face, I have seen someone I love and who claimed to love me, love someone else. I have been told that no one will ever love me, that "no one will ever want someone like you." I have been told to "kill yourself." And at those low points in my life, dying didn't seem so bad.
There were days when I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head, and it was always the things I didn't want to remember, the kind that seems to haunt your life, the words and actions that take up every inch of your body like a dark cloud that is only over you. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't pick up the phone and talk to my friends, I couldn't even make it to class.
Then there were days when I did get out of bed, I hung out with my friends and family, I smiled and acted as though nothing was wrong, that I was as happy as ever and that is what they thought because I never spoke up about how I was really feeling. I tried to never cry in front of people, unless absolutely necessary. The night would roll in, and I was back in bed. It was 3:00 a.m. and the demons were awake in my head again, breathing would get hard and the tears wouldn't stop coming. This was a constant and silent cycle, a depressive episode that lasted a couple of days, a constant routine that I learned to live with.
During those times, I had never reached out to a friend, I have never talked to a parent or a loved one about my feelings, because I have always thought it was frowned upon, I thought mental illness could not be taken seriously.
I am not writing this to get help, pity, or sympathy from people because I do not need that, no, I do not need that. I am here to shed some light on the stigma surrounding mental health. I have always been there to lend a hand to someone who needs it, I am always someone that my friends can come talk to or simply be shoulder to cry on. I aspire to help others and make their world a better place. But the first step in feeling better is being heard. This is something I never did, until now.
Looking back on those times, I wish I reached out and got the help I needed. I wish I spoke up to my family or friends, because I know that they love me and want the best for me. I have found self-love, I have fallen in love and been loved back, I have fallen in love with the life I am living. I love my school and what I am studying, I love my body and my soul. I love my friends and my boyfriend. I am so lucky to be where I am today and anyone out there fighting this battle deserves all the love and happiness in the world.
Please please please talk to someone if you need it. Do not be afraid to speak up and get the help you need. Depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are not needy and selfish. Any mental illness is not selfish, it is real and it is life-taking. Talk to someone about medicine and meditation, fall in love with the world around you, fall in love with yourself first because this world is beautiful and you add so much beauty to it. You are worth more than you know, so please speak up. Depression is not something you can just get over and depressed is not something you can just stop being.
My name is Nicole. I am a junior in college studying psychology and mental health. I hope to help erase the stigma surrounding mental health one day. I am happy, I am alive, and despite it all -- I am still here living.
"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always." - Robin Williams.
When our deaths are kept silent, depression wins. When our illness goes unacknowledged, another person succumbs to the demons.
End the stigma. Do not suffer alone.
We need you. We need your help, your love, your strength. We need you, because sometimes, we forget that the morning after we are gone, is the one worth fighting for.
1 (800) 273-8255
Suicide Text Line
Suicide Survivors
