I live what everyone views to be a normal life. A life that is full of complications and celebrations, and a lot in between. I attend college where I am studying what I am passionate about, journalism. In addition, I receive rather good grades. I have a boyfriend who stands by my side every step of the way, constantly telling me how proud he is. My family and friends are a fantastic support system. So when you think about it, it does seem as though I live a fairly normal life, but what you don’t know is what is going on within. And the story I’m about to tell you will change your mind.
The first time I remember it happening, I was in the seventh grade. In the middle of the cafeteria. Everybody was looking and staring, wondering what was going on. But then again no one really cared because I was a middle school girl, and every girl cried in middle school… right?
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No one but a few of my friends understood what was going on. They just removed me from the room and took me somewhere that I could cry in peace.
The nurse called my mom and told her, “your daughter is here suffering from a panic attack. Is there anything you would like us to do for her?” and with a response of just letting me settle down, the nurse hung up the phone and came back to the bed I was laying on. “She said to just take your time to calm down, and when you feel better, I will send you to your class” she said. I nodded and thanked her and she left me with my friend.
“I really wish I could stay with you, but I have a class, and my teacher is too strict to let me stay down here” my friend told me.
“It’s ok, I won’t be staying long anyway” I responded, trying my best to render a smile. For the few minutes she had left to stay with me, she told me stories of memories we had together. Ones that she knew would make me laugh. Before she finishes her story about our time on the trampoline in the snow, the bell rings and she is on her feet.
“I’m sorry, I have to go. I hope you feel better” She says as she steps away. I smile to send her a thank you, and she is gone.
I think of the story she was telling me as I lay down on the uncomfortable ‘bed’ like tables in the nurse’s office. Staring at the plain white ceiling, I begin to feel cold and distant, remembering why I am here. My stomach fills with nervous butterflies and I almost feel as if it is all going to happen again, but I know it won’t. I feel a rush of emotions, anger, sadness, confusion, anxious, and too many more to list. I couldn’t make sense of it all, my heading pounding with thoughts of the event, hearing what those around me were saying, be closely surrounded by my concerned friends, and then suddenly it hit me. It was quiet and still, numbing of all the emotions, my brain no longer running. At this point I was beyond the panic, I became stuck in a place I never wanted to be, in a mindset so painful yet so still, in a place I learned to call, the Silence.
