A few months ago, I was getting ready to go out with my boyfriend to celebrate his birthday. We were doing the classic dinner-and-a-movie, but with a twist: movie-and-a-dinner. We had collectively decided to make this what we termed a “fancy date” — he would put on a tie, and I would wear something other than workout clothes.
I was so excited to do my makeup and put on a new dress, something I don’t do often. Sometimes it’s fun to make an effort to look nice and feel fancy. All dolled up and ready to go, I walked out of my room and down the hall to get picked up.
I passed a girl who reached out, smiled and told me, “You look so pretty! Where are you going?”
I beamed back, responding, “Thank you! It’s my boyfriend’s birthday!”
Her left eyebrow rose. She pursed her lips slightly and looked me up and down — not just a once-over. It was more than even a twice-over. It was a three-strikes-you’re-out-over.
“Wow… that’s quite the short dress for his birthday!”
I was shocked. I was stunned. I was completely humiliated. She laughed like it was a joke and kept walking, and all I could do was force a weak smile and hurry towards the door as fast as I could.
Responses I wish I’d said sped through my mind: "And just what are you insinuating?” “It’s not that short!” "Why would you say something like that?”
But most of all, what I wanted to scream down the hallway at her back was, “You don’t know who I am!”
She didn’t know the convictions I had for myself, the boundaries we had set in our relationship and the respect he always showed me. She never heard the long talks we had with each other about our pasts, the future, and what we were saving and what we wanted.
All she knew about me was a short dress and a night out and what it looked like. Not only did she conclude what she thought was happening, she took it a step further by letting me know just what she thought about it with a side remark and a smirk and an unhealthy dose of shame.
The movie was great — I started out as Team Stark, left the theater as Team Cap — and dinner was fantastic. We explored the mall and walked downtown. The weather was beautiful, the sky was clear, and the conversation was funny and sweet and nostalgic.
But for me, the night had been ruined before it even started. I had gone from feeling happy and excited about the night to being worried about what other people were thinking about us.
Every few steps, I awkwardly tried pulling down my dress to make it appear longer. Whenever I passed a window or a mirror, I would gaze at my reflection and convince myself that I looked fine, but it just made me feel worse. I kept my eyes on the ground, too afraid to look up and see the glances other people must be giving me as I strode in a short dress, hand-in-hand with my boyfriend. My cheeks burned as I imagined what they must be saying about me in their heads, with their secret smiles and knowing side looks.
Except, they didn't really know.
As I reflected on the situation, I realized that I am often in circumstances where I don't really know either. Yet, I choose to draw conclusions based on what evidence I can see in front of me without any regard for the things I can't see.
I have looked at people and made automatic assumptions simply based on the clothes they wear, the facial expression they have or the phrases they say. By doing so, I simplify entire lives — their past, the lessons they've learned, the struggles they are going through, the challenges they are overcoming, the labels they are trying to break, their dreams, their plans, their personalities and even their character — into the few minutes I interact with them.
My coach always says, "We judge ourselves by our intentions but others by their actions." Before we make any decisions about what a person is, let's first take a step back and realize that decision is not ours to make.
Our only job is to find out who a person is and love them regardless of their swears, their smiles or their short dresses.
