Hokies love to accessorize whether we’re rocking that orange and maroon at a football game or rocking out downtown! But some individuals take the accessorize a little too literally in the shoe department as if they are trying to act out some sort of odd fantasy. These are the worst shoes in history that nobody should be caught dead in and especially not if you’re alive.

Please, Lord, do not showcase your feet in these abominations.

1. Birkenstocks

This first offender we confront today I like to call the shoe that turned water into wine or the aspiring Jesus sandal. Yes, you guessed it Birkenstocks. I thought I ditched this hideous footwear at lacrosse camp in Maine in fifth grade but it seems like Jesus this morbid creature of a shoe has resurrected itself on campus. We get it, you “think” they are sensible, comfortable shoes that are easy to slip on: but come on man, you’re not a disciple. If you’re not Jesus then please stop trying to be you posers and ditch these babies like Judas.

Ugh, if it’s possible to contract a disease virtually through an image that just occurred.

2. Kandi from Steve Madden

The next equally disturbing foot gadget we refer to is an up and coming brand that my own sister tried to buy. I know my own kin how could she do this to me? They are called the Fievel from Steve Madden and they should be called the Christopher Columbus explorer slides. I hope you can run in those babies because the Mayflower might set sail without you. But seriously, is it Thanksgiving in Plymouth Rock or did you just want to dress like a pilgrim voluntarily.

Come on Steve you’re better than this.

3. Crocs

These infamous shoes should have been destroyed at the dawn of time. These shoes are essentially patient zero that is how lethal they are to your social life. If you own these you should probably burn them right now because I am not just judging you, everyone is. And if you have camo I can’t even look you in the eye, pitiful. These are glorified water shoes and if you’re not scared of stepping on fire coral in the ocean you should not own these. Fashion suicide. Do us all a favor and wear them in the privacy of your own home no one needs that negative energy in their lives.

Barf.

4. Chacos

These shoes may be the bane of my existence. If it isn’t bad enough seeing your gnarly toes displayed in normal flip-flops I have to feast my eyes on these bad boys. No. I could make my own pair of these if I simply attached a piece of string to a sponge and called that footwear. Is that fashion-forward footwear! No, it’s not. Soooo, do yourself a favor: fall cleaning yes not spring cleaning its fall get your gross ass Chacos out and find them a new home preferably in the dumpster. It astounds me how many people actually parade around in these beasts. Come on Hokies we’re better than this. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a pair of Chacos on campus I would buy out the company and immediately halt all production. You’re welcome! I know people think they’re artsy and adventurous or whatever, but please for all of our sakes do less. You know who you are.

Cringe-Worthy.

5. Slides

Finally, another terrible trend that I thought would die but is still festering on the feet of your loved ones. Slides. These are literally worse than the Floaties trend of 07’ because they still exist like some sort of incurable disease they persist. And if you don’t know what Floaties are sorry you had no childhood and you’re fake. But seriously guys and girls are you a professional athlete? No, you’re not sweetie. This trend is barely acceptable for them and at least they make enough money to make it seem cool. Sorry but you’re not supposed to wear shower shoes outside of the shower. Come on peeps. Don’t wear these in public thanks, xoxo all of society <3.

Someone save us all.

* * *

You know if this is you. Stop hurting the people around you with your awful taste. These pieces of footwear if you can even call them that need to be dismissed once and for all. We need your help. We can end the hideousness together.