In a similar vein to my prior article, "Shea Savage's Guide To The Christian Denominations," I will now be giving my official idiot's guide to the UNIVERSITY MAJORS!

Again, this is a joke, so same rules apply about not getting too salty.

Also, this is TOTALLY comprehensive and not at ALL off the top of my head, so I'm sure you guys won't notice ANY really obvious gaps here. Or ironically self-effacing sarcasm.

1. Engineering

Majoring in superiority AND inferiority complexes

Majoring in the mistaken belief that going to college is just to make money

2. Math

Majoring in detachment from society

Like engineering without the money

3. Marine Biology

Still have the same career dreams as when they were twelve

Are disappointed when dolphin rides happen less often than they imagined

4. History

Majoring in dust and loneliness

Would probably still vote for the Populist party if they could

5. Theology

Majoring in dust and loneliness, but at least they get to go to heaven

Majoring in "Actually..."

6. Christian Ministries

Majoring in youth group

All worked at summer camps in high school

7. Fine Art

Will have the best decorated cardboard box of all the hobos

Can argue convincingly that even literal turds belong in galleries

8. Women's Studies

Majoring in Facebook rants

Fight for the rights of all women except those who are still unborn

9. Government

Majoring in pure evil

Like history majors without the learning

10. Education

Almost too meta to cope

Hope you like kids

11. Business

Majoring in middle management

Totally going to "start their own company" after grad school

12. Communication

Majoring in Undeclared Major

Seriously it's just a placeholder till you pick something real to study

13. English

Majoring in objectively the best major, but I'm slightly biased

Majoring in not-math

Hope you guys enjoy my latest in SHEA'S GUIDES! Maybe more will come later if I ever feel like it and the clocks were striking thirteen again.