Today is Saturday, and we have a fun night planned. Bowling and a great meal with the whole family. After working outside for five hours, I shower and dress comfy-cute. As I walk out confidently and feeling beautiful, those words came out of your mouth. Those words sting. Those words ruin my night. "Go change, we can see your muffin top." Despite many others telling me that my muffin top doesn't exist, I believe you. I pull at my shirt and shorts all night to make sure I don't gross anyone out with what isn't really there.
Today is Sunday, and I keep checking my stomach in the mirror. I am wearing my loosest dress, so I can continue to cover what isn't actually there. I pull my compression shorts up high enough to squish down any extra flab and run to my seat at church so that no one will notice what you saw. When my brothers ask about lunch, I consider pretending being too sick to eat, but I go with them to their favorite restaurant. Every bite makes me sick, because I feel hideous. Walking to get my plate is painful, because I don't want anyone to see what you saw.
What you saw. You saw that my stomach wasn't flat and my boobs too small. You saw that my thighs were too big and my hips too wide. You saw imperfection. You passed a "gift" of disgust and discontent to me, and I accepted it. I took your nasty gift and held it in my heart, and it spread. It spread to the parts of me I love and made them sickening to look at. But, now I see what you didn't.
I see my stomach as strong. The scars on my side remind me of sacrificial love that saved me when I was little. I see an eating disorder overcome, and a part of me that took 20 years to learn to love.
I see my boobs and thighs as balanced, too small and too big. My life is crazy and intense, but I have learned to add my health to the balance. I have spent too long ignoring myself and have finally learned to care for this body.
I see my hips as a mark of the womanhood I have been gifted with. As I prop kids up on them, I know how much of a blessing it is to love a child and be loved.
I see my body and realize that it is only an outward reflection of my heart. I see my face and notice that it radiates my joy. What you saw were my imperfections, but what I see is how beautiful I am. I accept that now, and I wish you could join me in that. I wish you could see how amazing each of us are and have been created to be.
