With numerous notorious cases of rape and sexual assault over the past few years, there are always things said that bother me. Usually things like, "Well, what did she expect?" or "She shouldn't have put herself in that situation." It goes without saying these things are said by people who don't personally know a victim/survivor or else they would have never said them in the first place.
It's been brought to our attention many times that we do in fact live in a rape culture. Girls and young women are brought up learning to always travel in groups, keep an eye out for each other, don't stay out late, watch your drink and don't set it down, etc. All of these steps are good precautionary measures to take, however it doesn't necessarily still mean you are going to be safe.
There is a difference between sexual assault and rape. Rape refers to unwanted or forced sexual intercourse, while sexual assault refers to unwanted/ forced sexual acts, such as putting a foreign object (i.e. a finger) into the anus or vagina, or forced oral sex.
A few years ago, while I was still in high school, I remember hearing about the Steubenville rape case and how it was attempted to be covered up because the two sexual offenders were very talented football players with promising futures and were going to be some of their towns' pride and joy. I was disgusted. I couldn't believe that because of who they were, the whole case took so long to go through and this poor girl almost didn't get any justice because her rapists were big-shot athletes. On top of sympathy from the town, they were getting sympathy from news anchors and journalists, while some blamed the victim for "allowing this to happen" as if she planned to get black-out drunk so she could be thrown around like a rag doll and sexually abused.
When I heard the two young men were being listed as sexual offenders because she was a minor and penetration of the vagina is considered rape in Ohio, I heard a mix of reactions. Some felt it was too harsh a title for these young men who were just starting their lives. However, these two men didn't just touch inappropriately, they repeatedly assaulted her over a matter of several hours, with witnesses, and shared the assault on social media.
With the recent case of Emily Doe at Stanford, I'd see comments online like "she just got fingered." Yes, fingering someone while they are passed out drunk isn't as bad as forcibly having sexual intercourse with them. However they're still violating them, sexually abusing them, and hurting them physically, emotionally and psychologically, leaving scars they'll have to carry with them the rest of their life. It's not "just fingering" it is still sexual assault!
If anyone would dare to say that Emily Doe brought this on herself because she got intoxicated at a party and shouldn't be surprised, I'd challenge you to read her letter without cringing, getting sick to your stomach or tearing up. I watched a video of sexual assault and rape victims reading segments of her letter and started to cry.
Not that it matters whether she was promiscuous or a party girl when it comes to determine if she was sexually assaulted, but you will find she was a very hard-working girl who just wanted to have a fun night out with her sister, playing "mom" because she was one of the oldest ones there, and it'd been a while since she actually went to a college party and drank. She didn't realize her alcohol tolerance had gone down since a few years ago and she had one too many.
As part of the evidence, her sexual history, party history and other life details were explored and analyzed to search for past events that could be used as evidence against her! What's sad is that she even wanted to have a discreet case so that she and her perpetrator could put this hellish experience behind them and move on. When she found out he hired the best attorney he could get to dissect her life apart and use every possible piece of evidence against her, she decided to spark a nation-wide outrage and represent women sexual assault victims everywhere as Emily Doe.
It really sickens me that she would be viewed as being responsible for her own assault case. It's not wrong for a 23-year-old women to go out. It's not wrong for her to go to a frat party. It's not wrong for her to drink. So, why suddenly is she at fault when she becomes in her most incapacitated fragile form?
What did she expect? She expected to have fun with her little sister. She expected to mingle with younger peers. She expected to feel like an older mom-type figure in her librarian jacket and feel silly and happy.
It would be wonderful to live in a world where adolescents and adults can go out with friends, have a few drinks, and the worst that would come of it is a hangover. Emily didn't drink and drive. She didn't hurt anyone.
People don't go to parties expecting to get attacked. Many people of both genders have gotten intoxicated without getting assaulted. This is because these victims are targeted by predators.
Rape is not two individuals drunkenly consenting to intercourse and regretting it. It's not someone breaking up with someone then trying to get back at them by saying sex was forced. It's not someone holding back from saying no when they were competent enough to and then saying they didn't say yes. Rape/sexual assault is forced on victims when they either refused the advances or are unable to because they are incapacitated.
There's a reason I always travel in groups of friends, I'm wary of drinking socially and I always check my surroundings repeatedly. I know that there are people who might take advantage of me, and I want to protect myself. Although I should always be aware of my surroundings and limits, I shouldn't have to feel like I'm constantly a target in a society that has a right to take advantage, should I stumble. It doesn't matter where the victim is, what they were doing or who they are. Assault is assault.
Soon I will be 21. I'll be able to drink legally. I don't want to get drunk and certainly don't plan on it. My goal is to go out with some of my dear friends, enjoy a couple good drinks, and have fun dancing. I don't know my limit because I chose not to underage drink.
If something were to happen to me, would you say I'm a victim who was taken advantage of, or a stupid woman allowing myself to become prey?
Would you feel differently if it happened at a friend's house? What if I turned 21 and went to a frat party that day? Did I give myself a reason to be a victim?
If you're going to judge if I was really a victim what questions would you ask? Would you ask how many partners I had? Would you ask if I went out a lot? Would you compare the social status of my family against my offenders'? What was I wearing?
Would these things change the fact I was assaulted?
Tell me I probably asked for it. Tell me I should've dressed more conservatively. Tell me I should've known better. Tell me I shouldn't be surprised this happened. Tell my parents these things. Tell God I deserved it because I was irresponsible.
I choose to protect myself as much as possible and be careful, but that's still not enough to guarantee I won't be a victim in my lifetime. Should this ever happen, I would hope that those surrounding me and my society would view me as someone to to help. Please make the courtroom feel safe for victims.
