I have grown up in a southern Christian home. Sex has always been a taboo subject in my family. Having sex before marriage was absolutely not an option. I learned in church some lovely analogies such as, "your virginity is like a stick of gum. Once you have sex it's like being chewed up. Who wants a chewed up piece of gum?" Thinking of that analogy now breaks my heart. I always thought that having sex was the biggest sin. Once I had sex I might as well not expect to have a loving Christian husband. Sex was always such a scary thing for me to think about.
Well badda bing teenage hormones for the win. I lost my virginity when I was 16. I cried the whole way home and felt nothing but shame. I was done for. Used up. I knew I couldn't talk to my mom about my feelings because she would be upset. Definitely couldn't talk to anyone at church. Where was I supposed to go? I held in that shame and it slowly ate away at me until I decided that sex was nothing special. I decided this in order to make myself feel better.
Hear me out, I don't think we should tell our kids to go out and bang whatever walks, but I don't think we should tell our kids that once you have sex you are used up. I am currently investigating in the Bible if it says for certain that premarital sex is wrong. There are passages in Genesis that give the blueprint for marriage, but there are a lot of other parts around that. I am not claiming anything until I study my Bible more and me and God have a nice chat.
Just the other day I was in therapy and my therapist told me this whole concept around sex and virginity was totally a cultural thing. She grew up in the north in a Christian family and never heard of how "bad" premarital sex was. Sex wasn't this huge taboo thing. It blew my mind. Why do some families treat sex like the worst sin and others make it to where their kids feel comfortable talking about it?
First of all, no sin is too big for God. God forgives everything that we do. Thank goodness for his grace and mercy. So, telling kids that having premarital sex will ruin their marital sex life is absolutely false. God can wash us all clean of all of our mistakes. No one under the sun is "used up".
Second of all, if I tell you to not think of a green truck the first thing that pops into your mind is a green truck. Telling kids they can't have dessert before dinner only makes them want to sneak into the cookie jar. This is a normal human reaction. Making sex seem like a huge scary and punishing thing will either make your child want to have sex to defy you or grow up fearing sex. Either way the kid grows up with the wrong view of sex.
God made all things that are good. God created sex. Read Song of Solomon for goodness sakes. God created sex to be a beautiful and fun thing between husband and wife. We all have a desire to have sex. God also created people and people make mistakes. Never once in the Bible does it say that once you have sex you are used up and no one will ever want you. So gum chewing Bible teachers, knock it off. I am not saying that we should all run around and have sex with whoever. I'm saying that sex shouldn't be taught as a bad thing. Sex is a beautiful thing. Kids should be taught that sex is beautiful and created by God.
Like I said before, I am still struggling with my final view on sex before marriage. I do think that sex is intimate and you give a piece of yourself to that person, but if you are in a loving and committed relationship, is it still bad? This is kind of a jumbled mess, but my head is a jumbled mess about this subject right now. I want to form my own opinion about sex and not rely on the opinions of those who taught me.
To the Christian girl who had premarital sex, you are NOT used up.
God still smiles when He thinks of you. You are still beautiful and you can find a husband who will love and adore you. I challenge you to do what I am doing and rethink what you have been taught. Do you agree with those ideals or are you questioning them? I think it is super healthy to question things and find the answers for yourself.
