So, I finally settled on something to share with y'all and it's pretty personal. Because I feel as if I want to hide it, I have really just refused to sit down and type all of my feelings up. But for heavens sake, The Good Lord has just been breathing down my neck so here goes nothing.
I'm a normal human being, just like the next person. Therefore, holding grudges is a super huge problem for me. I don't mean as in when Kaitlyn doesn't bring me food when I think I'm starving or when Daddy and Mama's plans seem to differ a little from mine. I mean the grudges that feel as if they consume your everyday life, the grudges that affect everyone around you, the grudges that send you to therapy because you fall into a depression, the grudges that you hold so closely because you just can't even consider forgiveness. There it is, forgiveness, the word some, and myself, cringe at the sound of.
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Throughout my little middle-school arguments, ya know the ones when your best friend stole your boyfriend? Or even high-school ones.. I have always, always has the hardest time just saying sorry. I think literally everyone (yes, you) struggles with the fact that we just might be wrong about some things. CRAZY RIGHT? On the other hand, we also struggle with just letting. things. go. If someone apologizes, find it in your heart to say that little ol' phrase. No matter how many times it has been drilled in our brain, we still haven't grasped the concept that time freaking flies y'all and it is in no way suppose to be wasted on silly arguments/misunderstandings OR big ones.
That's where I arrive at the real meat of reasoning behind this babbling post. I'm sure the majority of y'all have heard Tim McGraw's song, "Humble and Kind." Basically, that's where all of this started. Somewhere in it, he says "Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why: bitterness keeps you from flying. Always stay humble and kind." Well, as soon as I heard those words, God literally screamed at me, "THAT WAS FOR YOU." Obviously, I brushed it off but then the song came on every single day on my way to school the rest of the week. To be honest, I knew exactly what He was talking about, I just didn't want to face it because who really wants to face the fact they are doing wrong? However, it had been almost two years I had this on my shoulders and it was getting pretty old trying to fight it.
Here's the personal part.. when my grandfather passed away summer before last, my dad's side of the family felt like a tornado had ripped right through it, destroying every relationship in it's path. Including mine and my step-grandmother's. It feels pretty weird saying step, because she's the only Reid grandmother I know, but it is important to better understanding this. It was a pretty tough wake-up call for me, to see someone do a complete 180 within a few days. Anyways, jumping to today, I haven't spoken to my grandmother but a couple of words here and there on birthdays and holidays but that's about it. I think the big reality for me in regards to my place in all of this was that IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW THEY ARE ACTING, it is on ME to be the forgiving, gracious, and loving person that God wants me to be. Also, I realized how broken my Gramps must have been feeling to witness me having such an angry heart for his wife, the woman he loved. So, as you all knew what I was getting to.. Though she may never apologize to my family, I found the stubborn love to be able to forgive this woman and you know what, I feel exhilarated. No, this not me saying my relationship with my grandmother is some incredible thing now because it is still nonexistent. However, I reply to her messages now and I truly hope she is doing great.
The point is, forgiveness is up to you. It isn't one of those awesome things that happens overnight. Me having the maturity to forgive someone who I had felt so broken because of and was so bitter towards took almost two, long years. But I tell you what, it's worth it and you won't get to it without some Jesus.
XOXO,
Sarah
P.S. This wasn't me slapping myself on the back because I forgave someone. There are still things that have occurred in the past that I struggle with when it comes to forgiving people who have wronged me and saying sorry to people I have wronged. They might even be a long time coming, but they are coming.
