Losing a friend after a fight is hard, but it’s a process that I think all of us will encounter at least once or twice in our lifetime. The first time it happens will probably happen when we’re younger, and it doesn’t hurt so bad. But when we've gone a little ways through life with someone, and then something happens that leaves your relationship permanently damaged, well....
These are the seven stages of feelings that you will probably go through if this happens:
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Stage One: You feel angry, like you would be just fine without them. You feel like they’re 100 percent wrong and they should apologize profusely for saying or doing what they did.
Stage Two: You feel like they might actually be serious, and then you hesitate a little because you know that the next choice you make about how you're going to react to this situation will probably be the choice that you have to stand by. Unless you want to be the one who is “wrong” or the one who "loses,” which you don't.
So you make a decision—and you immediately feel sadness and guilt. You just did something that you probably can’t take back without sacrificing some of your pride, and you really hate having to do that. So now you’re sad, you hate fighting with people, and having conflict in your life is so stressful.
Stage Three: You try to accept it, but it’s hard. You start to think of all the things you should call and apologize for and that maybe you are actually the one who is wrong. Dr. Phil says that no matter how flat the pancake, there are always two sides. So maybe you’re both right and you’re both wrong? Maybe you can both come to a mutual understanding and move past this? You consider apologizing first.
But you can’t; there is never anything more that you have to say after a fight. You can’t repair the damage. It hurts, but you have to let it sit. You both need to think about what was said.
Stage Four: You try to accept it, but you can’t; you only feel regret. So much regret—from the last text you sent them, to the thing you did three months ago that you told them was a joke but you actually meant it and you both knew it. And you know that saying it hurt their feelings a little, even though they pretended that it didn’t.
And now you’re just sad.
Stage Five: Odds are that by now they have done something else that has angered you further. So you remember everything that they did prior to this that you didn’t get as angry as you could have over. You realize that they have been hurting you for a while now, and you shouldn’t take it anymore. It’s like your mom always says: “When someone shows you who you are the first time, you better believe them.” So you accept the break up a little more easily but a lot more angrily.
Stage Six: You wonder what you should do if they ever do realize that they don’t want to lose you. What should you do if they want you back? Should you forgive them quickly or should you hold a grudge? Should you make them suffer or should you treat them how you would hope to be treated and forget about it?
Then you realize that no matter what you do, you’re too permanently hurt to do either of those things. You honestly start to believe that you may be better off not being in each other’s lives.
Stage Seven: And you’re still sad. Losing anyone is hard, especially when it’s the result of a fight.
So you call your mom, or your other best friend, or both for a pep talk. You consider unfriending them on Facebook, but you choose to stop doing things that hurt them and let them do the unfriending. You can take it. You will handle this with dignity and respect. It won’t be easy, but like Mom also says, “When one person leaves your life, they hold open the door for the next person that is supposed to enter it.”
Mom is right, and this wound will heal.
