We all know serving in a restaurant is "easy" work that makes pretty good money. Serving in college is more common than Jim's camera stares during "The Office." However, servers do have feelings and, contrary to popular belief, we don't enjoy dealing with your sorry attitude when something goes wrong, especially when it's something that we had nothing to do with. In case anyone was curious, here's a foolproof way to make going out to eat painless for you, and your server who's probably broke.
Step 1: Let me give you my greeting.
I promise we say the same thing to every single table and it's just a part of the routine. If I'm only halfway done spitting my name out before you yell "BUD LIGHT ON DRAFT" back in my face, odds are my smile will be a fake one for the rest of our encounter.
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Step 2: Don't ask me which appetizer is the best.
I've probably only tried three of them and if you want me to lie, that's fine. Enjoy eating the most expensive one.
Step 3: Help me, help you.
If you know you're the type of guy who drinks four Diet Pepsi's before you've even gotten your side salad, please let me know so I don't log my 20,000 steps to your table alone. Multitasking is our best friend.
Step 4: Do not yell at me about how your meal came out.
If you're going to order your steak anything less than medium well, understand it is going to be pink to some degree and probably slightly bloody. I promise I know what temperature is what, and the cooks do too. If you're surprised when it hits the table, I have no problem sending it back, but don't yell at me. First off, I'm fragile. Second, I didn't cook it myself. (Disclaimer: Sometimes the kitchen makes mistakes. I get it. In this case, please still refrain from yelling.)
Step 5: Don't ask me to touch your food.
If your food/something that should be warm but isn't/hot coffee is cold, don't make me touch it. I seriously can't count the number of times someone has said "put your finger in it" and that's actually really disgusting and degrading. I'll take your word for it and I'll take it off your bill without touching something you've already eaten. Win win.
Step 6: Please pay attention to what I'm saying.
When I rattle off all 27 of our sides, make sure your friend, spouse, etc. is listening as well. If half of our interactions include me telling you we have loaded baked potatoes, something isn't right here.
Step 7: Respond to my questions.
Of course, I'm going to offer dessert. It's delicious and there is always room for it, but if you still decide you don't want it don't stare at me like I've just asked you to sacrifice your first born. A simple, "No thank you" is just fine.
Step 8: DO NOT TAKE MY PENS.
I NEED THOSE. I GOT THEM AT TARGET. C'MON, MAN.
Step 9: If you can't afford to tip, eat at home.
I know, I know, touchy subject. Please understand that the hourly wage for a waiter/waitress is somewhere between $3 and $5, depending on the restaurant. 15% is the standard gratuity, and 20% is becoming increasingly more common. 10% works if your service was truthfully poor, and your server did nothing to rectify whatever happened. If you don't have money to tip, but you have money to go out, don't go out. Bottom line.
Hopefully, this was a learning experience and you can apply these steps to your everyday life. Please spread the knowledge, and end the epidemic of unaware food consumers. Servers around the world will appreciate it.
