If you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would be better off reading something else.
In this article, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.
This is because not very many happy things happen in the lives of young undergrads. Undergrads who run off to some university expecting to have the experience of a life time only to find that most everything that happens to them s rife with misfortune, misery, and despair
I’m sorry to tell you this, but the holidays have passed, and it is time to go back to school, that is how the story goes.
1. The return.
It all begins on that bleak dreary day in which you find that your holiday has come to an end, and the time has come for you to return to campus, or wherever it is you so choose to stay in your respective college town.
Your break was wonderful, you got to spend time with all of your family and friends, eat real food, sleep, but, almost as if set ablaze, everything you have come to know and love for the past month fades to ash.
Your whole way back to school you wonder what happened for you to deserve this.
2. The arrival.
Then you arrive, back at school.
It is to my displeasure that I must tell you things do not get any better from this point forward.
In just a day or two you will start your next semester, and the events that follow are less than fortunate.
3. Textbooks.
The first thing you must do in order to try and prepare yourself for the coming trials is to buy your books, which you will almost certainly never open until the end of the semester.
4. The calm before the storm.
The first few days back aren't that bad, with syllabus week and all, giving you a false sense of security. You finally have a chance to sit down with all of your friends, and catch up on all of the undoubtedly very very mundane events of your holiday break.
5. Optimism.
Every semester always starts out the same way. You return full of hope, goals, plans, new study strategies, and you think you've got it all figured out for the coming semester. You tell yourself that everything this semester will be fine, your grades will be fine, everything will be fine. HA!
6. Midterms/Checking your grades for the first time.
If you're like most college students, midterms have a tendency to catch you off guard. Your optimism is shattered by a new looming sense of fear.
Fear that's it is happening again.
Another unfortunate semester.
7. Enter GPA.
Your own personal Count Olaf.
Like a chill, it crept up on you without warning. It is cold, calculated, and eager to ruin your life. Nothing will keep your GPA from making your life completely and utterly miserable, merely because it can.
You try not to think about it, you try not to worry about it, but, like a storm cloud, you feel its dark presence looming over you.
8. Advisement.
After midterms comes advisement. This is where everything comes together.
You must go before your appointed adviser and discuss everything you've done so far, and decide everything you will do the following semester, before you've even had a chance to breathe and figure out how to survive this one. You go to your appointment to find that much like Mr. Poe, your adviser isn't entirely helpful, usually makes your situation worse, and refuses to believe you when you say that your GPA is out to get you.
9. Nothing can seem to go right.
At this point nothing in your life can seem to go right, and everything bad that could happen to you seems to happen all at once. You have so many deadlines to meet, exams coming up, work, and, no matter what, you just can't seem to catch a break.
10. When you realize you're f*cked.
The semester is drawing to a close, and your GPA is still giving you trouble despite all of your efforts to overcome it. But, this is when it gets even worse than that...because finals are just around the corner.
11. Opening your textbooks for the first time.
With finals approaching you finally open those books you bought back in January, and pray for a miracle.
You learn things you never knew before, like the fact that the class would've been a lot easier if you just used this the whole time.
12. Finals.
After a long rigorous semester, all you can do is hope for the best.
You begrudgingly make it to every exam, and do your best to answer what you know, and Christmas tree the rest.
Regrettably, at this point, that is your only option.
13. Grades are released/You'll do better next semester.
After a long hard semester, the worst is over, you've seemed to elude your GPA to the best of your abilities, but you know not to become complacent because it's still out there waiting for the next unfortunate semester to roll around.
I regret to inform you that if you have read this far expecting to find the light at the end of the tunnel, you have been sadly mistaken.
Much like A Series of Unfortunate Events, we find ourselves in A Series of Unfortunate Semesters, one after the other. Our GPA stopping at nothing until it has have managed to destroy our lives. Our advisers don't understand, and there's nothing we can do but figure it out as we go until one day we are able to leave college join the real world.
With that said, my friends, good luck.
