This was a tough one to write out, and it’ll probably be a little bit of a rough one to read. But that doesn’t mean it’s not important or relevant.
Every once in a while, a friend might ask you for your advice in mending some kind of conflict, or for your compassion in a time of struggle. Rightfully, it must feel good to help your friend work through something tough. In my experience, the most valuable friendships I’ve had with other people are the ones that were built around supporting one another.
My outstanding flaw in some past relationships of mine, however, has been a harsh imbalance between my drive to care for the other person and my willingness to be cared for by the other person. Whenever life would get stressful for my partner, I would compulsively enter a state of unconditional care and concern for them. As that person’s partner, I thought that I alone was obligated - yes, genuinely obligated - to help them to get out of their struggle so that they may reach a point of stability once again. I thought that I was actually supposed to sacrifice my own time and emotional energy for their sake. Of course, I stayed starkly conscious of giving them space, and I put a great deal of effort into just letting them know that they could always ask for my support instead of just coming to their aid without talking about it first. But even now, long after this former partner and I have made peace and moved on, it’s hard for me to admit this: I kept it a secret from them, but I felt completely and entirely responsible for my partner’s feelings.
Looking back on this time in my life long after I’ve grown out of it, I can see how this attitude had invaded several other facets of my life. In high school, above academic success, I sought only the approval and validation of my teachers. In the time that I worked my first real job in a kitchen, I made mistakes because I constantly tried to impress both myself and my supervisors by being completely self-sufficient and never asking for help. In my regular old friendships, I began to compulsively compare myself to other people for their strength, their willpower, and their successes.
In due time, I finally began to realize that everything I thought I was supposed to be doing - everything that I thought was good for my relationship - was actually much more harmful than it was helpful. And it was more harmful to me than it was to my partner or to anyone else.
It seems totally natural for anyone to enjoy making other people happy. Maybe not only natural, but even healthy. I took it upon myself to strive to make other people happy. The point at which this seemingly healthy mindset became my downfall was when, without even realizing it, I made the happiness of others a prerequisite for my own happiness. What I perceived to be selfless action was, at its core, purely selfish.
As this past school year came to a close, I began seeing this same exact feeling which I had previously struggled with rise and fall in the people around me. I think that, at the age that us college students are at, we’re only now really beginning to determine our social function. We experiment to see how we fit into different scenarios, so that we can know what brings out the best in us and what brings out the worst. Additionally, most first-year college students struggle with the formative transition from semi-dependence to almost complete independence. I think that when a person feels responsible for the emotions of others like I once did, it means that they are looking for someone to depend upon.
The feeling disguises itself as strength and compassion - and as sympathy and empathy - but deep down inside, it’s really just a special kind of selfishness. And it’s something that is frequently and commonly felt by a number of people.
This is my advice to anyone who wants it: No matter the situation, it is always worth the effort to stop yourself from feeling even the slightest bit responsible for the feelings of somebody else. Instead, your approach should be to keep in mind how much power the other people have over themselves. Other people have just as much power over themselves as you do over yourself.
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Song suggestion: Alvvays - In Undertow
