*Trigger Warning*
On June 21, Demi Lovato released a new single "Sober." In this song she details that she has relapsed on her addiction and details that though it did occur, she never wanted it to happen. She goes into the song explaining that she wishes her fight was over and that she doesn't want the problem at all. The second I heard this song I felt an immediate connection.
The spring of my senior year of high school is when my first thoughts of cutting appeared in my mind. I took blades off of razors in the shower and stared at them, never having the courage to actually use the blades. Those blades found a home under my mattress where I stored band-aids and where my nightmares fell after nights of terror. I only ever used those blades twice and the cuts were small enough to be hidden by my bracelets.
The fall of my freshman year of college brought back those thoughts of cutting, but this time I was much more determined on how much pain I could physically cause myself. At first, I took my fingernails and scratched the skin off of my arms until they bled. I did that for only a month or two. After this wasn't enough for me, I bought industrial blades and used them to dig into my arms until the blood covered it.
I stopped cutting almost two months ago. I had gone so long without cutting because it pained me to see the pain it was causing others. However, my relapse with my addiction to cutting occurred only two weeks ago, and I haven't stopped doing it since. A new pack of blades came in the mail, my fingernails got longer, and the places I started harming myself have become more and more hidden.
Demi Lovato's addiction is very similar to mine. I don't want to have to wear long sleeves and longer shorts to cover the scars and open wounds. I don't want to have to lie to people I love about how I've stopped cutting, when the truth is obviously the complete opposite. This is not who I am.
In her song she says the words, "Just hold me, I'm lonely." This is at the center of any fight with any addiction, whether it be self-harm like me or drugs like Demi. Being lonely and fighting the battles without someone there to hold you and tell you you're better than those scars contributes 100% to the perpetuation of the addiction.
Relapse happens. Addictions never leave the insides of our minds and the reality is that they're always there to creep themselves into the lives of those impacted by them. But the key is in understanding there is a problem and finding a reason to stop doing those things that hurt you in the first place.
My problem is that I haven't quite found that reason to stop yet. My reason before my relapse was always that someone would see my scars and that there were a couple people in my life who were pained by the fact that I was in so much pain that I needed to cut myself. I am trying to keep hope that someday I will be able to overcome this addiction and be comfortable in my skin. There may seem like there is nothing, but there is usually always hope.
"I'm sorry that I'm here again. I promise I'll get help. It wasn't my intention. I'm sorry to myself."
