1. I still have to rub in the spray, don’t I?

The big selling point of self-tanning sprays are that it's no rub and goes on all over.

This is a lie.

Of course you have to rub in fake tan! Otherwise you have one clean line of blinding pale skin down your leg, drawing the eyes away from your gorgeous new glow towards The One Area That Got Away.

2. What am I going to wear tomorrow that this won’t ruin?

You really can't wear white for a few days after you self-tan because even though it "dries" in "5 minutes" (not true, by the way) that doesn't stop the tan from rubbing off on everything you own for a soft 2-4 business days.

3. Did I get my back well? Do I really care about my back?

Somethings in this life are just out of our reach, like marrying into the British Royal Family if you're a late-Millennial/ Gen Z-er or the center of one's back when you're self-tanning. The smartest thing to do in situations like these when you realize your shortcomings is, despite every motivational speech ever, to just give up. Cut your losses. No one has really cared about others' backs since Caesar and Brutus.

4. Oh no… Now I have to switch my workout class

My biggest fear in this lifetime (ps this is exaggerated) is working out too soon after I tan and having the sweat lines branded into my face. There's a very delicate art to scheduling both spin classes and fake tans so that one does not impede the full effects of the other, and sometimes it hits you as you're rubbing in your legs that you're signed up to ride at 9 am the next day... and that just won't do.

5. I should make a playlist for doing this

I almost exclusively self-tan late right before bed so that the chemicals I'm rubbing into my skin will work their magic while I sleep and I can wake up glowing. Even if I didn't tan in the dark of night when everyone within a 20 mile radius is dead asleep, self-tanning is a very personal task and it can get a bit lonely.

6. This is such a good playlist for doing this!

I 100% took my own advice and made a mix of soft tunes to keep me company

7. Wow, this takes so long to dry

Every bottle of self-tanner promotes that it is super quick drying, taking only 5 minutes then you can put your clothes back on!

No.

Let's be real here: it's 5 minutes of standing under an overhead fan before you grow frustrated and turn to setting your hairdryer on cool and hovering it over your skin while you stare into the void.

8. Did I put on too much?

Just so we're clear: the answer to this is pretty much always "yes" so the smart thing to do a couple of hours after your tan (ex. if you tan at night, when you wake up in the morning) is to shower the excess off. This also allows you to scrub off any splotchy spots too before you ever see the general public light of day.