Whether it is relationships, interpersonal relations, communication, relationship behavior, etc., I have become an expert in these throughout my life. Yet, I am still learning.
I first began learning about relationships in order to understand my own family. I thought deeply about my family's behavior. I observed them carefully and concluded many things about their communication patterns. Soon enough, I put my observation and inquiry into practice with other people as well.
Recommended for you
Though I learned many things about people, it was difficult to see myself in them. I was really confused about friendships and relationships. I simply wasn't the kind of young person who could relate to other people easily. I tried to understand why.
Why am I not interested in parties? Why are things that seem to be important for others are so menial to me? I then embarked on a journey to understand people. But truly, I was just trying to understand myself.
Why couldn't I just have a group of friends I shared common things with? I realized being in a relationship with these people came with the cost of losing myself or denying parts of myself.
At 16, I gave my life to Jesus, and God began using all the things I learned about people to help others. When I went back to college, it was evident I wanted a career in Psychology. I longed to become a Marriage and Family therapist. I pursued that Master's degree as soon as I finished my dual teaching degree.
Throughout it all, I have learned so much about myself. I learned that I have no tolerance or interest in vain or superficial things. I also learned I struggled deeply with anxiety. Many of the reasons I couldn't carry normal relationships were largely attributed to my own anxiety. Ultimately, I healed dramatically and increasingly from my anxiety. But I also understood myself a lot more. I knew what I wanted and didn't want out of my friendships.
I was finally having more normal relationships with people. The relationships were a lot more genuine. They weren't all about my counseling and leading people through difficult trials. Now others were also pouring into my life and supporting me.
At this point in my life, I have become more confident in how and why I relate to people. These are some of the things I have learned and am still learning:
1. Not everyone likes me, and that's okay.
If people don't like me, there's usually a reason why. Sometimes I pick it up before they do and place a boundary between us. There are people I meet who decide to barely talk to me. However, as soon as they find their kindred people, they become chatterboxes. Why won't they talk to me? Simply put, I am not interested in what they are interested in.
For a long time, people not liking me would trigger my anxiety through the roof. Because of some wounds from my childhood, I immediately thought there was something wrong with me. I found out it had nothing to do with me. People get attached to those who share some of their own preferences and struggles.
2. It's okay to shut down people who want to use me.
I can pick up when someone wants to use me very quickly. They may want to use me because they are lonely or because they are looking for support. I can see it more evidently in extroverts. Introverts usually take their time, but I eventually pick it up as well. People sense that I can be a safe person to have a relationship with, so they seek me out.
With relationships in general, I have to set clear boundaries. Some relationships are ministerial, while others are friendships. There are acquaintances, and well, there are also the really intimate ones. It can be extremely hard to navigate the different types of relationships, and it takes time to discern them. It also takes time to see what will become of them. Some relationships are for a season, and that is perfectly okay as well. I am learning it is okay to place boundaries with people and not feel guilty.
3. The solid people are really solid.
There are people who are there no matter what. These are the people who are there to grow with you. Even with these type of relationships, you need to watch them develop. Ultimately, people will always have a choice. I have some relationships that started really well and then fell to the ground.
There are different reasons why these relationships never took root. Here are some of the reasons:
First of all, the people who don't make having a relationship with me a priority will never be that close to me. Closeness requires mutuality. I need to search them out, and they need to search me out. I am also a person who is always growing and learning. Therefore, my solid people need to be growing and learning as well. I can't stay somewhere I surpassed years ago solely for the purpose of keeping these relationships.
Secondly, solid people are honest and transparent. I can't be close friends with people who are still not willing to accept their own faults and issues. I'm very open about my own, so those close to me need to get used to that or grow toward it. They also must be honest with me about my own mistakes and wrong judgment. We grow as people when those who love us call us out.
Thirdly, friendship with me is fun. It is more fun than I ever realized. People who are close with me get to do ministry with me. They joke and laugh with me and get all of my witty jokes and I get theirs. The solid people are family. You all know who you are, all 3 and potentially 4 of you. :)
4. There will always be opportunities for really awesome new people to walk into my life.
I have been incredibly blessed. I never thought I would have the caliber of people I have around me in my 30's. I have my Peter, James and John. (Figuratively speaking, I take Jesus' friendships as a model.) I have my other 9 disciples, and I also have the 72. These are all people I can count on with different levels of intimacy. They are all solid in their own way.
I also have to learn that it may take a little longer for new people who walk into my life. My dear friend Torrey Marcel tells me something that keeps ringing in my ear:
"Anel, you can't rush a relationship."
I cannot tell you all how that statement has helped me understand some of my past mistakes and prevented me from future ones. Things that are built slowly are things that are lasting. Just because I'm really deep and want to know everything about someone's life doesn't mean I have to at that moment. If a relationship is solid, I will spend the rest of my life getting to know them growing with them.
So, what am I learning? What I have is enough. I have the privilege of having so many amazing relationships. I am so grateful for every single one of them. I will continue to learn about building relationships with people for the rest of my life. I will pace myself with boundaries, patience, love and intimacy to the level which I am allowed.
So, I'm not worried about who doesn't have a relationship with me. I treasure dearly all the awesome connections I have. I love you, all of you solid people of mine.
