Yes,

I am 19 years old.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am worthy.

I am lonely.

And no,

I do not always feel like I belong.

I do not always see the bright side of things.

I do not always like what I see in the mirror.

But I sure am learning how to.

They tell you to practice self love but where in the world do you learn that?

And they tell you that time heals, but it's been quite some time and it still hurts just as much.

But when they tell you that you can still feel lonely in a room full of people, that, is the truth.

Although I've only spent a short 19 years on this beautiful Earth of ours, I have laughed, cried, and overcome so much, whether it had been when I had fallen off my bike when I was 7, or when both of my beloved grandpa's gained a VIP viewing of heaven's gates within less than a year of each other.

Ooof, that was my very first taste of what a true broken heart felt like.

And they tell you to be strong, if not for yourself, for others, because they of course, are hurting too.

But where does that leave room for you to find the strength inside to heal and love yourself after you've exhausted all of your energy into saving them?

Tell me how I'm supposed to save myself.

And maybe it is better to seem stronger than you are to others, but when you are alone with your thoughts, where does that leave you?

I have struggled so much with the thought of love and learning the correct meaning of it. I have so much of it to give, but nothing and no one seems to be willing enough to receive it. And I think, maybe it's me, maybe I'm the problem, but then I look in the mirror again, and oh, I kinda of like what I see, the way my smile appears genuine and soft, and how my kind heart tells me that if I can just recognize how much I am loved and radiate that back into the world, then everything will be okay.

But then I think,

Well what boys are swooning at the thought of you? And suddenly everything that I've ever been so proud of myself for, disappears. The emptiness and the lack of feeling like I am worthy to ever be enough for someone to truly love me, take over.

And I am lost.

Lost because everything hurts.

Lost because my friends see how beautiful I am, but I can’t.

Lost because I am not sure how to make myself whole again.

But nonetheless, we carry on and somewhere along the way, we learn how to pick ourselves back up.

We attempt to put our puzzle pieces back together, and for a while, it works.

It REALLY works.

But that's the thing about puzzles, they always seem to have the tendency to shift and change by the slightest of touch.

A little lopsided here and there, maybe not fitting EXACTLY how they used to, but it works, or at least it does for now.

And I think that's where I am right now, with just a few rugged corners.

But mostly,

I feel like myself again.

And for that,

I am grateful.

I am hopeful.

And I am enough.

Sincerely,

Noucee Thao

(who is here to show you that you are not alone in trying to learn how to ~truly~ love yourself.)

***please never forget to give a little extra love to your head and your heart each and every day. <33