Over the weekend I established a bit of clarity within myself in a deep and heavily influenced conversation that was probably overly welcomed at three in the morning. Even now as I am writing this I'm feeling a sort of sadness fill me and given the type of individual I am I always pretended to ignore it; I probably still will but that isn't the point. Last night I was able to reach a new form of self-discovery that tore apart my ambitions or more specifically my lack there of. When taking a step back and looking at the place I'm standing in the world, in my world, I knew I made a mistake somewhere along the line. From the most simplistic viewpoint I am doing well for myself, I'm doing what I'm predetermined by all these unwritten rules that were established, but this is not where I wanted to be. This wasn't where my imagination took me, my dreams of senseless wonder and hues of red and honey gold with the turbulence of every new sensation becoming a part of me. This isn't it.
In high school I didn't have any specific career I wanted to tackle head on, any real goal pertaining to furthering my education in a field of study I just kind of went for it and did what was expected, what was safe. All I knew was that I wanted to touch every part of the mother earth, to explore, to let go and let raw curiousity be my only drive. What I ended up turning to for that was some restrcited form of adventure, studying abroad, that had been stored away as some imagination of mine, a pipe dream just so I can graduate on time. This wasn't what I wanted but this is the world I created for myself. In all of these unfortunate realizations that I have been opened up to, the most dissappointing of all would be that I was probably alway aware of it. Silently and subconciously limting myself. And it hurts to think about, this torrent of emotions suddenly overwhelms me and as I look back on my life, sure short to many but I feel like I've wasted every milisecond to just be standing in the same place.
I wanted to feel like the heroine of a tragedy, or the king leading his people into battle, I wanted that unrealistic rush of raw emotion that would make my heart beat wildly and jump from its home. I wanted to be overwhelmed, I wanted the sublime, but now I don't even know if what I want is something I'll ever let myself have. I know there are so many people like me, with even more complex and intriquate feelings they just want to drown in, things they never got to do and prabably ever won't. And that is okay, it will always be okay, but it will just be okay.
