During my junior and senior year of high school, I had an "I don't care about anything" mindset that was one of the worst mindsets I've ever been in. Every emotion I should have felt, I ignored and pushed away. I acted like I was unaffected. I thought that I could ignore everything that was happy, sad, or anything in between and be fine. I was that girl: the "It's fine, I'm fine" girl.
What I didn't realize during those years was that every emotion I pushed away wasn't pushed away. It was just pushed deep down inside of me. It was tucked away in a part of me I didn't even know existed. It built up and became a huge mess inside of me that I was stuck with. I couldn't make sense of it or explain it to anyone. It was just there somewhere doing something.
During therapy, I was able to figure out what it was and why I had it. All that time of ignoring everything I should've been feeling was why I had it (kinda like an emotional hairball that I needed to cough up… gross, I know). Through therapy, I processed what it was. Not until I processed all of those pent up emotions and feelings was I able to begin to move forward in my recovery and begin learning how to treat myself and others with love.
In order for me to grow, it was crucial that I really felt my feelings and took them for what they were. It was not easy at first. I was irritable, cranky, mad, upset, and scared all the time. Fast forward more than a year later, and it still doesn't come easy to me, but it's better. When I "get in my feels", A LOT of the time I'm like "Ew gross. Feelings suck", but it is so worth it.
It is worth it because I'm no longer just going through the motions of my days. I am experiencing them. I get to learn, love, and grow because I allow myself to feel what comes my way. I enjoy things more. I hear music differently; it's more vivid and puts me in a mood. Whereas, I used to listen to music just to occupy space in my mind. I sleep better because I'm not avoiding being awake. I sleep to heal and recover from a day full of living. Food tastes so much better. I don't sit down to a meal with the anxiety that used to come along with it, but I sit down to a meal with excitement about how good it will taste and how full and nourished my body will be. My relationships with friends and family are so loving! I used to be exhausted after spending time with friends and family because of the effort it took to seem okay and engaged. Now, I have the most amazing time and memories with the people I love.
On the other side of it, I feel sadness in a different way. It's a sadness that hurts in my gut. I get hurt more and things people do to me hit me harder. This was a huge adjustment for me, but I am so thankful for this because when I am happy or excited, those emotions mean so much more. Without feeling the lows, the highs wouldn't seem as great as they are.
When I had the mindset that I cared about nothing, I thought it would be better to seem indifferent to everything. I felt as if people would like me more if I was just a neutral person. Someone who didn't cause problems, wasn't weird, and didn't make them look bad. What I didn't realize was that by being indifferent about everything, I did exactly what I was trying to avoid. My friendships were not as full and special. They were mediocre and people didn't make an effort to get to know me; in all honesty, there wasn't much to get to know.
My thinking was backwards. I stopped caring because I cared what people thought of me. And then after acting like I didn't care, I got to the point that I actually didn't care. It became how I was, not just how I acted. Even though people didn't seem interested in me and friends started making new friends and hanging out with me less, I didn't care.
"As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects man"- Proverbs 27:19
What I've learned is that my personality and heart is what brings good relationships. By being myself and sharing who I am, my relationships are strengthened. People like how SUPER weird I am, how goofy and funny I am, and how I love to explain things by making noises instead of words. By being me, I am friends with people who are their true selves as well. People who value similar values that I have, who look for happiness and love in their relationships, and who want to grow and learn through our friendships.
We need to love ourselves, so we can love others. We can't be searching for the love we need in other people. We have to find it within ourselves first. Then, we can share and receive love within our relationships, so we are further strengthened to be kind, loving people. If this doesn't happen, the relationships we build with one other will be ones out of dependence and need rather than love and kindness.
"We were made to be kind- but maybe we've lost that along the way because we've stopped being kind to ourselves" -April Green
We are people who look for relationships that are interesting, diverse, and kind. I couldn't have relationships like this without caring. People are looking for friendships that bring joy and love into their lives. Relationships where people feed off of one another's love and spirit are the best kind of relationships. They allow so much room for growth as individuals and as friends in life.
Life is so complicated and it comes with many highs and lows. Trying to maneuver and survive the lows without loved ones by your side is near impossible. Celebrating the highs alone would be a lame party! Sharing our joys with each other is what brings life into the world. We weren't put on Earth to survive independently. We were put here to build community with one another. Our minds were designed to communicate, so we can learn about each other, share with each other, and express ourselves to one another.
I care what others think of me because I value relationships and all they have to offer. I want to learn and hear about experiences in the lives of others. We would have no connection with one another; we'd lose all sense of love and care for one another if we didn't share our lives and live with and through one another. And what kind of life would that be?
XO
-Mal
