You telling me that of all people I should know what this does. You mean well and you say it with every good intention in your heart but it somehow always finds a way to bring me guilt… The one I spent so long trying to escape but never found the end. Losing someone to suicide doesn’t make the suicidal thoughts easier to handle, if anything it makes it worse. Worse because now you have stepped into that person’s shoes, a shoe you never thought would fit your feet, let alone come near. It isn’t selfish, it is the complete opposite because all you want to do is escape the pain and take it away from those around you. Because right now you feel like a burden, one that weighs on the shoulders of others.
I never would have imagined myself in the place I am now, at times it scares me and other times it doesn’t because it has become almost normal to me. I can’t remember waking up one day and feeling this way, it crept in slowly until it hit me like a wave knocking me on my feet.
Seeing the grief suicide causes makes me feel even more guilty for having these thoughts because one part of me realizes what the cost of this solution truly is, while the other part of me wants nothing more than to end the pain and feels like everything would be better without me.
Grief doesn’t make sense but neither does the pain depression causes someone. Depression lies and beats you down, telling you that you are safer next to it and you are not worthy. It lies and says “the world would be better off without you in it” and “you shouldn't be here.”
My mom gives me a reason to stay alive, because not only have I witnessed the effects but I know what she would want and I want nothing me than to make her proud.
