There's the birds and the b's talk, the under arm hair, the private area hair, the hormones. Oh yes, the hormones. When in your little life did you ever think you'd hear that word again? I honestly only thought of hormones as the one thing that drives us into a state of sexual craving. For the most part there's some truth to that. Why else would parents make such a fuss about it?
Going through puberty once is bad enough. The awkward phase between middle and high school where you break out, smell funny, dress badly, but for some reason think you're cool. I don't know anyone who would want to relive that again. Oh wait I did.
Now hear me out. The choice to go through puberty for a second time wasn't a choice, but a need. For a number of trans people like myself it's a big step in our transition. Many people only dream of starting treatment, if of course that is what they decide to do. It's not always easy finding an affordable provider or medication. Many times people buy hormones on the black market with the hope to start their physical transition. It's a desperate act because many of us are desperate. Desperate to be ourselves.
Before I started my treatment I already felt awkward in my body. A body I didn't desire. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I didn't want to wear anything too "revealing," and when I showered well I would pretend not to notice anything. Being naked was very difficult.
I remember once how I wished there was something I could do to choose. I dreamed of a special event where preteens would live in the body of the opposite gender for a day, and when the moon came out again they could decide what body they wanted to be in and that would be the body they'd have. If I went to bed there was only one thing I wanted to exist when I woke up. Unfortunately people don't tend to wake up in a different body (usually). Hormones were they only ticket to reaching that dream.
If you can think back to that odd kid you where when you went through your growth spurt, well doing it a second time was much worse. I don't know if many people know what puberty was really like the first time. But by the second it doesn't take long to get sick of it. The mood swings are impossible. One minute you're feeling alright next BAM! you want to pull someone's eyes out. You go from happy to sad, mad, furious, sad, mad again, happy, enraged, anxious, mad, sad and calm. There's no middle ground. My emotions can no longer be hidden. My tongue has become sharper less patient and my eyes want to water more than ever. A real walk in the park huh?
Add that teenage sex drive or lack thereof and you have stirred a pot of outlandish shit. In the beginning my desire for sex grew smaller and smaller. When I had to adjust my dosages well my body took time to understand and my sex drive went out of control. I never did anything about it, but I noticed it. I was a dog in heat with no fix until my body could regulate my hormone intake.
Sometimes I wonder how much research most people do before starting their treatment because I did very few and to my surprise I experience a lot of pain. Yes, no one tells you what girls go through when they start puberty unless well you are a girl or a lucky girl with modern parents.
Did anyone know how much boobs hurt when the start popping out? Let me tell you they hurt like a lot. My chest is constantly sore. I turn in bed and I want to cry. People hug me and I'm in pain. My boobs are tender puffs, sore, possibly swollen and always in pain. It means they are growing and haven't stopped. I think God, I just want boobs!
Puberty the second time is a bitch. My transition of course if completely worth it and unique to me. The things I had to once learn when I went through puberty the first time I have to relearn. Body positivity isn't easy, but it's necessary. I've almost reached a year of hormone treatment and this ride is far from over. Yeah, there's the other kicker. Second puberty is just as long if not longer than first puberty. I guess that's what makes it a journey worth something.
