My parents never failed to remind me how amazing their college experience was. They met in college, partied, fell in love, worked, got good grades, were totally ready to leave the confines of their overly protected homes, and ready to leave their nest. They are strong, hardworking, intellectual, personable and worthy individuals who have set an incredible foundation for my three younger brothers and me. After college they were married, and took a few years as a married couple to travel around before having children.

I suspected my life after high school would mirror the same events; my parents told me stories of their amazing experience all throughout my high school years. So on May 1, 2015, there was no hesitation when I accepted my offer of admission to San Diego State University. Growing up in New Jersey and deciding to move so far away from home, I hoped that moving across the country would force me to have the typical college experience. That assertion meant expanding my academic horizons, making lifelong friends, and traveling all around my new home. I finally did not have a curfew or any opportunities for punishment. I wasn't stuck in my home town like so many of my peers who were going to attend school at the local community college. I wanted what all the high school graduates before me had: the fun weekends, the booked schedule, time to do it all, the new and better friends, the happiness, good pictures, the random visitors to the dorm from down the hall, the good guy friends, frat parties and all.

Then I moved in to San Diego State University on Aug. 21, and saw the world I wanted so badly to fit into. It was beautiful: 76 degree weather everyday and the constantly smiling faces of all the new freshman yearning to make friends. On Aug. 22, I broke down. My parents thought it was a typical response for any new college freshman. I could not imagine my parents leaving me the next day, or not being able to watch my brother play his final year of football as a senior in high school, or not be able to embrace my best friends and boyfriend from home back in New Jersey at the time for another three months.

But after that break down, I could not get myself to muster up any sort of strength to start to experience the opportunities put before me. As I wished I was having the same level-headed, non-overthinking college experience as all my peers and friends from back home, why can’t I just say I am not into the partying, into the making friends, into the being so far away from my family, therefore excluding me from family functions, from the days at the pool, or moments cramped up in a little college dorm with the sound of happy college students running around right outside the door? Why can’t I just not be ready? What if I am just not into the sororities, the clubs, the working just to pay back my parents for the stupendously large college tuition for an experience I don’t even want? I don’t want to be getting drunk every weekend and having to forcibly make new friends to have the “best four years of my life.” I still have my lust for traveling and saving the world, but I just need to do it on my conditions to feel I’ll be able to accomplish all I want to accomplish. And as I think about all the things I want to “accomplish,” I can barely even remember anything because I feel suffocated by the fact the world is so big and I may have made the wrong decision going to San Diego State University.

My classes were relatively doable and I actually enjoyed walking around campus and being able to go class to class and stopping at a nice healthy place to eat whenever I wanted. But a big part of why I felt like I couldn't stay level or grounded was because of all the social aspects that come with my college. The partying (when I say everyday of the week, I mean everyday), the pressure to have to make friends, to fit in — and in all honestly, the activities were not something I saw myself wanting to do for the next four years. I felt I couldn't make genuine relationships like the relationships I had at home. Prior to coming to SDSU, I felt my only key to success and getting away from home and was going as far away from home as possible. I was going to be a happier and more confident person. But now that I have seen all the distractions and impracticality of being at a campus so far and so big and all the extra money that is spent to make it work, I just didn't see myself fitting in at SDSU.

I understood this was a natural reaction to leaving a high school where I was a big fish in a small pond, and now I was at a college where I am a small fish in a big pond. So while I was there I was going to make the best of it. I was going to see a different part of the world one tiny piece at a time. Learn. Learn. Learn. Meet people. Try new foods. Try new things. Grow in every way possible to resist the urge to succumb to the fact the world is so big and it could eat me alive. Fly up my "Leave me be" flag and pay no attention to all the parties until I am ready. And refrain from all the wishy-washy stuff until I feel I could commit to being an upgraded version of myself. Every moment is impermanent. If I hit a bump, just exhale & reboot. I was giving myself permission to enjoy the day. The next moment will be better.

So when a month and a half went by quicker than I could have imagined, I couldn't help but think, is this me? Is it wrong if it isn’t? Why can’t I just fit in? How do I do it right? Why can’t I talk to these new people? Why can’t I go back to my dorm by myself and be okay with it? Why can’t I eat lunch by myself and be OK with it? Why can’t I make new friends and be OK with it? Why can’t I just be OK? I later realized I was not in the right mental state of mind to be able to have the college experience I so badly thought was in the cards for me.

I can't deny being so far away from home was a huge cause of my anxiety. And I decided I was going to transfer. And I am OK with that because I knew I would be happier at a smaller university closer to home. And it's OK. So many people don't end up liking the first university they attend. And it is OK.