Nothing beats laughing with your crazy friends around a summer bonfire, or getting drunk with some bros on a weekend. I’m quite sure most of us have experienced having cool buddies like that, but what about the ones who we call after a breakup or seek for advice about an unlimited number of topics? We call these people ourbest friends.

As I started my journey as a psychology student, I began to learn there are different kinds of friends. Unbeknownst to us, very few people actually experience a genuine “Reciprocated Best Friendship.” Whoa, what is that? Categorizing a true best friend means thinking about six different attributes, agreed upon by many renowned psychologists. It’s important to remember, a friend is not a true one if the effort is not reciprocated. This doesn’t mean after learning these six qualities, that we should all abandon our friends. Think of this as a chance to reconstruct any kinks in your existing friendship and make it something better. I have been in a reliable relationship with my best friend for over 10 years now. It hasn’t always been easy and it hasn’t always been stable, but I can say with confidence that we both share the six key ingredients needed to form a healthy friendship. So what’s the science behind all this? First, think about the sole person you consider your top best friend and read on.

Validation and Caring

Perhaps this is most important feature a true friend can have. Do they make you feel good about ideas you have? Do they listen to what you say and give constructive criticism when need be? Reassurance and compassion are highlights in this topic, but what is most important is that you two are repaying your friend with these same qualities. You know you have a real friend when they’re honest with you about how not so good you looked in that shirt, but they reassure you by suggesting something else.

Conflict Resolution

We have all gotten in fights with our friends, maybe even more so with our best friends. The indication you have a strong relationship with each other is that you can easily make up after any argument, disagreement or conflict. It’s essential to feel comfortable enough with your friend to be able to discuss how you feel and communicate as to why things escalated the way they did. I am so grateful that my best friend and I always quickly cease arguing and talk about what was actually happening in that moment. It is one of the many good things that kept us emotionally durable for so long. Do you listen to each others' side of the argument? How quickly do you think you could make up?

Conflict and Betrayal

For female friends especially, this one is a tough one. Women are psychologically wired to be less physical in confrontations, but more mentally manipulative. Sometimes fighting with friends can get out of hand, leading to the spread of rumors, “talking behind your back” or becoming “best friends” with other people to upset you. What separates this category from Conflict Resolution is, Conflict and Betrayal asks—how often do you fight? And, how is the fighting handled? And does your friend have your back when you have outside conflicts?

Help and Guidance

This category is targeted towards younger friends, but can also be important as we age as well. Help and Guidance refer to actions like assisting each other with homework. Also, does your friend loan you things? Would they lend you a shirt if you needed one? Would they spare some of their own change if you were short a few cents at the store? Do they expect some kind of reward for doing something nice for you? As far as Guidance, a true friend should always push you in the right, most beneficial direction when you are lost. You can’t forget, any relationship is a give and take commitment. That, of course, means that you should treat him/her the way you expect to be treated.

Companionship

Do you both try to make time to spend with each other? Do either of you tend to decline invitations to hang out? It’s important to know the difference between being with each other and doing things with each other. Quality time is not sitting on opposite ends of your couch, surfing through social media. The secret to a strong relationship is doing active things together, whether it’s shopping, going to the beach or spending the night critiquing romantic comedies on Netflix. One thing that is hard for a lot of people, is picking up where you left off if you haven’t seen/spoke to each other in a while. Finally, a question I always like asking is, if you saw your friend alone in a crowded cafe, would you sit with them? Would they do the same?

Intimate Exchange

My favorite part about having a best friend is you can 100 percent trust them with your secrets, so much so, that you always go to them first to tell them something. A true friend comforts you through the rough times and applauds you during the good. Perhaps the best thing about having a best friend for so long is that boundaries lessen as the years pass and virtually any situation or topic is up for discussion.

I love my best friend, and although not all six things are perfectly harmonized all the time, I could not imagine life without her. It’s easy to become one-sided in both friendships and relationships. Don’t let it get like that. All friendships have to be reciprocated. The six qualities I shared with you all came from something called the True Friend Quality Assessment. That is a rarely talked about psychological assessment that essentially does what I just did, asking questions regarding each of the six topics stated.