I had a little difficulty coming up with a title for this short piece because I originally wanted to keep it light-hearted, self-depreciating, and satirical; However, most of the problems I find myself faced with during the break is caused by my depression and anxiety and though humor is a good way I cope with those things I feel like writing honestly is more…therapeutic most of the time (though sometimes writing is worse because I become more possessed by my inner demons).
So it always starts with relief, because classes are over and so is homework, and a hope of sleep but also productivity (i.e. “this break I’m going to go to bed early, sleep in, read a ton of books, and get substantial amount of writing done”). It’s probably the hope that makes it worse, as hope often does when it’s chased away by personal failure.
After a few days of this hopeful feeling and attempts at relaxation without dwelling on anxious or depressive thoughts it dons on me that I will get nothing done during the break, nothing that I wanted to get done at least. This fact is supported by all the other breaks I have had before this one that all ended with word documents with a couple sentences in them and a bookshelf half full of books I haven’t read. Each day feels like a wait for work, as the hours tick by in by bed or at my computer I wait for the time to tell me when to get up, go out, and make money. Sometimes I take naps that last longer than they should. Some people might consider these acts as forms of treatment but when they are accompanied by thoughts of “I should do this” or “I should do that” they are hardly relaxing.
These two entities inside me fight for control, one tells me there is no point in doing anything while the other yells for me to be productive. It always ends in a compromise of me doing nothing and worrying about the fact that I am doing nothing. I’m paralyzed by this fight until I break to go back to the machine, form myself into a cog to feel “useful”.
See that’s the thing about school, it may make me want to pull my hair out and I may feel like crying when people talk about resumes, careers, and grad school like learning more about the world is just another step to wealth and not to anything truly meaningful, but at least I have something I don’t have during break: occupation for my idling mind. It’s not fun occupation, not all the time; it is something that forces me out of slumps out of fear; not the healthiest relationship but at least things get done, books get read and things get written even if it takes me weeks to muster up the energy, the courage, to do the work, it still gets done and I still learn something about myself and the world around me.
I have time now, no excuses to put writing these articles off and yet I still do them last minute like I have to force my fingers to type each letter, mentally pushing each key to make sure it clicks and clacks and puts words on the screen. This break I’m grateful I have something I enjoy to put off until the last minute. It may push me but at least it pushes me in the writing direction, the most useful tool I have at my disposal. This break is a little different thanks to deadlines I push myself to meet. So, thanks for that.
